Life is kicking my ass these days. I don't like admitting that. But it seems something's gotten the best of me and I have no idea what it is. It's frustrating beyond belief. I'm struggling. Every single day, I have to dig deep into my guts to find my smile. Memories of my past flood my brain. They won't stop. All the what ifs and the what could be's are killing me. They are draining every single ounce of strength out of me. I am losing my patience. I am losing my ability to keep my head up. Everything feels so incredibly heavy and I'm tired.
I don't know what to do. I really don't. I know that my job doesn't make me happy, but I'm not one to quit and take my chances. I have a mortgage, it's not realistic. My relationship is probably failing since I have the ability to ruin the best things in my life. The black cloud that follows me eventually takes its toll and it starts to spread out on the men I manage to suck into this vortex of hell that is me. I manage to magically change the happiest into the most miserable. Jesus Christ. I really don't wanna be that fucking girl.
I just ruin everything. I really do. I don't have the mental capacity to deal with everyday mundane bullshit. The Pisces in me is scared to death of the same fucking thing every damn day. I am so completely scared. I am cynical. I am wary of people. I don't trust people any more. I believe that everyone has an agenda. And I am not willing to give up who I am for someone who can't do the same for me. I am just scared. I don't want to be nagged. I don't want to be told what to do. I don't want advice. I don't even wanna fucking talk anymore. I just want quiet. I don't wanna be told how horrible I am because I don't wanna have sex. I don't wanna be told I need to work faster because there was a supposed meeting that I wasn't involved in that pushed my deadlines to fucking yesterday. I just want quiet. I don't even know who the hell I am anymore. I really don't. I'm tired. I'm a liar and a bitch. I am all of those bad things and I don't deserve to be happy. I am a black widow spider. I just can't deal with anything anymore.
I just want everything to stop for two seconds so I can catch my breath. Everything is so NOW NOW RIGHT FUCKING NOW and it's frustrating. I was never the girl that couldn't catch up and now I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of nonsense. What am I fighting for? Why am I so angry? I don't know. I am just tired. Tired of having to prove myself when I know I'm better than that. It's exhausting. And I'm exhausted. I just wanna be happy. And I'm so afraid that I will never get there. I'm so afraid that I'm gonna push everyone away. I'm just all over the place today and I just need a few seconds to get my bearings. And at this moment in time I feel like I'm asking for too much. That my requests are going to wear the people I love down. That I'm going to inadvertently end up hurting someone while trying to slow the madness down. And so I sit here and write this out because it's been eating me alive all day. I can't stop this defective carousel from spinning and it's frustrating.
Hopefully tomorrow will be an upper, today was a downer and a half...