Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Memories...

when July became December, their affection fought the cold... but they couldn't quite remember, what inspired them to go... and it was beautifully depressing like a street car named Desire... they were fighting for their love, it started growing tired...

Life is kicking my ass these days. I don't like admitting that. But it seems something's gotten the best of me and I have no idea what it is. It's frustrating beyond belief. I'm struggling. Every single day, I have to dig deep into my guts to find my smile. Memories of my past flood my brain. They won't stop. All the what ifs and the what could be's are killing me. They are draining every single ounce of strength out of me. I am losing my patience. I am losing my ability to keep my head up. Everything feels so incredibly heavy and I'm tired.

I don't know what to do. I really don't. I know that my job doesn't make me happy, but I'm not one to quit and take my chances. I have a mortgage, it's not realistic. My relationship is probably failing since I have the ability to ruin the best things in my life. The black cloud that follows me eventually takes its toll and it starts to spread out on the men I manage to suck into this vortex of hell that is me. I manage to magically change the happiest into the most miserable. Jesus Christ. I really don't wanna be that fucking girl.

I just ruin everything. I really do. I don't have the mental capacity to deal with everyday mundane bullshit. The Pisces in me is scared to death of the same fucking thing every damn day. I am so completely scared. I am cynical. I am wary of people. I don't trust people any more. I believe that everyone has an agenda. And I am not willing to give up who I am for someone who can't do the same for me. I am just scared. I don't want to be nagged. I don't want to be told what to do. I don't want advice. I don't even wanna fucking talk anymore. I just want quiet. I don't wanna be told how horrible I am because I don't wanna have sex. I don't wanna be told I need to work faster because there was a supposed meeting that I wasn't involved in that pushed my deadlines to fucking yesterday. I just want quiet. I don't even know who the hell I am anymore. I really don't. I'm tired. I'm a liar and a bitch. I am all of those bad things and I don't deserve to be happy. I am a black widow spider. I just can't deal with anything anymore.

I just want everything to stop for two seconds so I can catch my breath. Everything is so NOW NOW RIGHT FUCKING NOW and it's frustrating. I was never the girl that couldn't catch up and now I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of nonsense. What am I fighting for? Why am I so angry? I don't know. I am just tired. Tired of having to prove myself when I know I'm better than that. It's exhausting. And I'm exhausted. I just wanna be happy. And I'm so afraid that I will never get there. I'm so afraid that I'm gonna push everyone away. I'm just all over the place today and I just need a few seconds to get my bearings. And at this moment in time I feel like I'm asking for too much. That my requests are going to wear the people I love down. That I'm going to inadvertently end up hurting someone while trying to slow the madness down. And so I sit here and write this out because it's been eating me alive all day. I can't stop this defective carousel from spinning and it's frustrating.

Hopefully tomorrow will be an upper, today was a downer and a half...

oh Memories,where'd you go? you were all I've ever known... how I miss yesterday... how'd I let it fade away? don't fade away...

Thanks for reading...

Monday, May 9, 2011

I and Love and You...

When at first I learned to speak I used all my words to fight... With him and her and you and me, but it's just a waste of time... Yea it's such a waste of time...

I am a fighter, not a lover. I spend my time fighting for what I need and what. I fight for the ones I love. I fight with myself on a daily basis trying so hard to understand what I need and want. Everyday is a struggle because I have no clue...

When I think about all the time that was wasted on pointless bullshit, I feel like an asshole and I push the rest of the world away as I try to bring myself back to feeling ok. I am agitated today, wasting a lot of my awake time thinking about what a bitch I am and how I am horrible and deserve nothing. When I feel like everything is alright and I haven't done anything wrong, it is then that I realize that I have unconsciously hurt someone somehow, and that annoys the shit outta me.

And so today is gonna be one of those days where I smile on the outside but my heart is in agony. Wondering how I manage to fuck up even when I think I'm good. And it's going to be one of those days where I keep to myself because the fight in my head is taking over my whole body and I can't spend the day crying at my desk.

The fighter in me has pushed people away because I was stubborn and couldn't hurt my pride. But I'm wondering now if the fight was worth it. Because I am the one agonizing over this, and its eating me alive. The need to prove how strong I am has made me weak. Today is a day where I feel the agony of defeat. Where everything in my head doesn't make sense. And I miss him more than I knew I could and I wish I didn't. And I wonder if he misses me too. And it's going to be a day where I know I could have been happy but I was too proud to let someone get the best of me.

So that's all for now...

Thanks for reading...

Three words that became hard to say...I and Love and You...

Friday, May 6, 2011

Don't You Remember...

I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness and a wandering eye and a heaviness in my head... But don't you remember the reason you loved me before...

Ah, ya gotta love the curveballs in life... That's what I keep telling myself. That's what I tell myself to try to get back to a normal state of mind... Whatever the fuck that is... What's great about curveballs is that they always hit me square in the guts... Like, really fucking hard.

I have been good for a while. But as usual that feeling never stays. There is ALWAYS another shoe ready to drop. You would think I wouldn't be so surprised anymore, but I guess my head is so jam packed with bullshit that I don't have the brain capacity to remember the last time I felt another emotion besides completely fucking exhausted. And then we factor in social networking sites and bam! It's a perfect curveball coming at me. Curveballs into the guts or shoes dropping, whatever metaphor works better for you...Yes ladies and gents, a picture of the ex managed to knock me over.

My issue here is that I harbor these feelings for him and I'm not even sure if they are good or bad anymore. I see his smile and I miss him but at the same time I get so upset that he's happy. I get angry that his life is normal and not total and complete fucking chaos like mine. That if I had just kept my mouth shut about marriage at 25 we would have worked out. And I know that I am craving clarity and that's why its easy to say that everything would have been great if we had just worked it out 4 years ago... I want to see him and tell him I'm sorry and that I was a stupid girl and I'm different now... But that's not true. I'm the same strong willed me, just a few years older and less willing to change who I am...

Now I am all over the place with emotions. Feeling the cravings for nesting and being a mom and the fairytale and all that bullshit. And I want the life I dreamt of. I want it and it's shattered and I have been trying to put the pieces back together ever since. It's just so incredibly sad to me that I have a good life with so much to be grateful for and I waste my time wondering what "could have been"...

Just had to push this out of the pile of mush formerly known as my brain. Life is good, but I have to live in right now, not then...

Thanks for reading...

I often think about where I went wrong... The more I do, the less I know...