I Caught Myself...

you got it, you got it, some kind of magic... hypnotic, hypnotic, you're leaving me breathless... I hate this, I hate this, you're not the one I believe in, with God as my witness...


You've probably heard all of the cliches about life being defined by moments. Moments that take your breath away or whatever.  I've been thinking a lot today about the moments in my life.  I try really hard to remember the ones that changed me.  The ones that have brought me here to this place.  The lessons that I've learned.  What defines me and who I really am.  And the truth is that I'm having a lot of trouble focusing on defining moments in my life because I feel like they all pass by so quickly.  Like I didn't know it was a defining moment and I forgot to record it in my long term memory.  Or I've managed to bury them so far into my subconscious that I can't get them out now.

What's most difficult about this thing called life is that a lot of us don't realize how quickly it passes until it has already passed.  It's not that we take the moments for granted, it's just that we don't realize that they're defining us when they're happening.  And I try to work it out in my head and pick a few moments out of the ol' gray matter just so I can get a decent span of time and when things happened.  But I can't ever figure out how or when I changed.  I know I'm different now.  Not necessarily good or bad.  I'm just different.  I've been through a lot of things that I never thought I would have to pull myself out of.  Doesn't make me special, it just makes me ME.  And it upsets me sometimes because I never wanted to be this girl.  I'm not bad, but I'm not good either.

5 years ago I was a completely different person.  And I have said it many times while venting here that I used to be carefree.  I used to not give a shit about anything.  No fear.  Just swimming along in the pool of life.  5 years ago changed me.  I lost a part of me and it's ok.  That's part of life.  Things happen and they change you.  But I thought back then that my life made some sense.  And then it didn't.  I had to make the hardest decision of my life.  And I like to tell myself that I'm over it and that I'm ok.  And I'd like to sit here and tell you that I'm a better person now, but I'm not.  What I learned from that moment in my life was that I would never be the same.  And I feel like that life changing moment in time that happened almost 6 years ago has made me the person I am today.   Today, in 2012 I fight every single urge to be normal.  I can't give in to a normal life.  I can't.  I make everything complicated because I feel that after everything I've been through, I get to be an asshole sometimes.  And that may sound crazy to you, but don't say that you've never felt that way in your life.  Because you would be lying.

I'm battling a lot of feelings right now.  And unfortunately it's not between me and me.  I'm scared to sleep because this new talking in my sleep bullshit that started sometime in September is ruining my life.  I am so damn tired.  And all I keep doing is replaying this one moment on January 1st, 2012 and I can't get it out of my head.  It changed me.  Everything happens for a reason, and I'm not quite sure what the fuck the reason is for this.  But these moments in time are fucking with me.  What moments are worth keeping?  What moments are worth a second or third thought?  What moments should we read into?  The over analyzation of it all is exhausting.  We all want to believe that each one of these moments is something grand.  A life changer.  But are they?  Or are they just us looking for something more than what we've got?  Do key words and feelings mean anything?  Or are we really just hoping for something life changing to happen?

I'm fucking lost.  That's the God's honest truth.  I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm tired of it.  And the every day normal life that I'm living pushes me further into my day dreams.  And it's frustrating because all I ever wished for was normal and now that I have it I can't hang.  I act out and do things that I think in my fucked up brain are right and they couldn't be more wrong.  And it sucks.  I don't want to hurt anyone, I'm just lost.  And so I'm going to try to keep things status quo.  This feeling will pass.  I know it will.  The way I swing from thought to thought like Tarzan is super human sometimes, it's really impressive.  I know I'm not the only one that questions life and it's moments.  It just sucks because I so badly want to figure it out.  I just feel like every time I think I've figured it out, I get beaned in the head with a curve ball.  I will get to where I need to be.  I will get to good.  I just need to savor the moments that really mean something and ditch the ones that are here to distract me.  When I figure out which is which, I'll let you know.

Thanks for reading...

now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself from saying something that I should have never thought...

Shake It Off/ 2011: Year in Review...

I am done with my graceless heart so tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart... 'cause I like to keep my issues strong, it's always darkest before the dawn...

2011 was quite a year. I discovered a lot of things about myself. I thought that at age 30 I would have it all figured out. That my life would make sense and I wouldn't have any more questions about where I'm going and what I'm doing. Turns out, I'm just as confused as I was when I was a teenager. Not much has changed. I'm still broke. I'm still crazy. I still have no clue what the fuck this whole life thing is about but that's ok. I did a lot of stupid and selfish things in 2011 and I'm putting an end to that on the 1st day of 2012. I'm saying goodbye to the what ifs, the what could be's and the what could have been's. It's stupid and a waste of time.

2011 was rough for Special Friend and I. The emotions were such a roller coaster. I couldn't keep up with my feelings or what was going on in my brain. I rationalized the most ridiculous actions because I was afraid of committing myself fully to the one person who loves me no matter what. I leave behind a trail of regrets in 2011 as I make my way into 2012. I learned a lot, but the biggest lesson I learned was that everything I will ever need is right in front of me and I need to wake the fuck up before I lose it. I walk into 2012 hoping to become a better person. A better lover and friend for the man who wants me to stay exactly the way I am. And I'm done with all the bullshit. It's all clear now. It was clear before, but I am paying attention to how clear it is now.

On a lighter note, 2011 was an EPIC year for #teamdirtygirls and all other hash tags that stemmed from it. We made beautifully irresponsible decisions together and had a blast doing it. Some of the craziest and fun times have been logged in my gray matter that I won't ever forget. I am so grateful for these girls. We kicked 2011's ass, and I know in my heart that 2012 can only be better.

2011 was the year of my nose. I had surgery, healed up nicely, breathed better... AND the body part that I have hated the most in my life ever is the one that landed me on TV. Score: Me-0, Schnoz-1. If you missed the Dr. Oz show with me and my gorgeous sinus cavity, check it out here: http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/winter-sinus-solutions-pt-1 and http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/winter-sinus-solutions-pt-2. YES I am still shamelessly promoting that. Fuck it, I was on TV.

In pop culture world- 2011 was a great year for Pitbull. Dude made a cameo in pretty much every song and did pretty good on his own. Every white girl walking the planet has dubbed "Give Me Everything" as "her song"... I'm totally fucking guilty of that. That song is off the hook. Katy Perry and Russell Brand are getting divorced! WHAAT?? Beyonce and Jay-Z are having a gazillion dollar offspring. Lucky little bugger won't ever have to do anything ever in his/her life with those 2 as parents. Sofia Vergara was a spokeswoman for every type of fucking thing ever. Eeecy Breecy Beeeautifool Cober Gurl. Everybody in app land became a photographer because of the instagram app. You could take a picture of a pile of shit and instagram will make it sparkle. Charlie Sheen went batshit crazy, but really, who was surprised by that?? I think that's all I wanna say about pop culture.

Here's to 2012. I'm not gonna put too much pressure on it. I did that to 2011 and it couldn't handle the pressure and kinda slacked a little bit. So I'm just going to vow to be a better me. I'm not gonna say I'm gonna cut the crap and make promises that I can't keep, but I'm going to pay attention to things that matter and stop worrying about shit that doesn't. I am going to be a better me. Clean slate and all that jazz. It's going to be a great year because I am going to make it happen. This is it 2012, let's do this.

I hope everyone had a happy and safe time celebrating, cheers...

Thanks for reading...

and it's hard to dance with the devil on your back so shake him off...

Are We The Waiting...

starry nights, city lights coming down over me... skyscrapers and stargazers in my head... are we, we are... are we, we are the waiting unknown... this dirty town was burning down in my dreams... lost and found city bound in my dreams... and screaming...

Will any of us ever really be happy? I have been struggling with this question for a very long time. Maybe even my lifetime so far. And maybe that struggle won't ever stop. It's a tough question to go back and forth with because there is no answer. There's no right or wrong. It just is what it is. You can't do research on it. It's just this question that hangs there, waiting for an answer that will never be.

I come from a broken home. It was better off, trust me. My parents are two very strong personalities and if they had stayed together, one of them wouldn't have made it out alive. That's a fact. You put two hot heads in a marriage and it's bound to end up in disaster. All good. I'm strong like bull because of it. On the outside at least. On the inside, I'm a 30 year old mess. A beautiful mess, but a mess. And I'm messy and fucking complicated and I hate spending time alone when my mind has time to drift into crazy-ville and I have time to think. It's horrible. It's torture actually. I spend most of my alone time beating myself up for my mistakes, regretting some (read: all) of the stupid things I've done in the past few years, crying about how I'm not happy, I have no money, I'm surrounded in bills, I have a shitty downstairs neighbor that aggravates my whole fucking life... you know, the usual.

I'm 30 years old and I'm not married. I choose that. I have to pay for my own wedding. Momma said, and I quote, "I'm not paying for your wedding. I paid for everything in your life so you're father could fucking spring for your wedding. It'll be the only thing he ever fucking paid for." Which means, in retrospect, that I'm going to have to pay for my own wedding. So unless someone is throwing me a benefit, that's not happening any time soon. I refuse to settle when it comes to that. I'm a typical cliche girl who has dreamt about it her whole life, give or take a few years, and I'm not having a wedding that I won't love or isn't exactly what I want. That sounds lame I'm sure, but whatever. It's just one more excuse to not get married right now. I come from a broken home, and I'm hopeless when it comes to this lifetime commitment shit. I have a great special friend in my life, it's working right now, I don't want to head down the aisle until I know that I will be okay. I am not about to ruin his life...

Everything is so uncertain around me, it's hard to get my bearings sometimes. I rely so heavily on what my heart tells me to do and when my brain catches up it basically tells me to go fuck myself. And when that happens, I go to the dark place where I cry about bullshit because that's what I need to do. Special friend and I had a talk the other day about how I've been talking in my sleep. I've been in a really dark place because of it. Scared to go to sleep, don't want to wake up to a mad special friend. It's like I can't win either way. And so I said I would go to therapy to try and fix it. He doesn't offer to do it, just says that I should go. The other day it dawned on him that this really isn't my issue, it's his. Because I have absolutely no clue that I'm doing it and I have no recollection of it when I wake up... I just know it happened because he's pissed. He told me he doesn't want me to go to therapy. He knows how much I love him and he's not going to let this bullshit ruin our relationship. It felt good to hear him say it. Because I was hanging out in that really murky place for a few weeks and was starting to really hate myself.

I'm in the process of weaning off the anxiety meds. What a pain in the ass. I get these zaps, as I like to call them. They are like split second nerve zaps that happen way to many fucking times a day. And of course I googled it (yes, I googled "nerve zaps") and found that it's a direct reaction to lowering my dosage. GREAT. This should be a great fucking process. Anyway, I don't know if I'll actually ever be okay. And that scares me. I used to be carefree and just go wherever life would take me. Now, it's just constant fear. Fear that I will hurt special friend more than I already have. Fear that I won't ever get to the place where I can afford a wedding. Fear that I won't get to have babies because I'm never gonna be able to move out of this studio apartment. I'm so tired of being guided by fear, but it's where I come from. It's what's been instilled in me for as long as I can remember. So now I have stomach ulcers and I clench my jaw so tight that I get migraines, but I don't know what else to do. I should just give it to God, trust what I know. But I can't let go of that fear. It's so much easier said than done.

So will any of us ever be happy? I know I'm not alone in my battles. None of us know what we're doing. I just think that the people who seem okay just know how to hide it better. They don't wear it right there on their chest like a scarlet letter like I do. This is life. We just go with it. Day in and day out. We convince ourselves that we're okay even when we're not. We're fragile when we don't want to be. And we're happy most of the time. I don't know anyone who lives in that cloud of pure, total and complete, jam a spoon down your throat, fucking happiness. Except for Heidi Klum and Seal... but I just read about them in the US weekly, so they don't count as people I know.

Anyway, stay strong little roots. I know I'm gonna do my best. And sometimes I'm gonna bitch and moan and cry and go take a trip to my dark place... but I always come out of it. At least I know that much...

Thanks for reading...

the rage and love, the story of my life...

My Occupy Wall Street Post...

I'm not starting with a song today. A lot of songs come to mind when I think about the last 2 months in downtown NYC. I may or may not bring them up throughout this post... we'll see.

I woke up this morning to a text from one of my best friends telling me to be careful going to work this morning because there was a lot of shit going on downtown. I immediately put the news on, trying to get a grasp of what was actually going on and what I was in for when I got off of the subway. When I turned on the TV, I was crushed. I obviously have not been occupying Wall Street. I work a few long blocks away from Zucotti Park. Honestly, before September 17th, I had no idea that park even existed. That sounds stupid, I'm aware. The thing is that I work in corporate America, but I am very disconnected. I just kind of go to work, and go home. I don't work within the stock exchange, I have no idea how to even invest in a stock. I choose to be like that. I am drained a million percent of the time and I don't have patience to deal with the stock market. Now I'm rambling.

When the protest first started, I'll admit, I was like "WHAT THE FUCK?" That was the beginning of day 3 for the protesters... it was a manic Monday morning for me. A day I already dread was now going to be even more dreadful with the thoughts of having to push my way through protesters to get to my job... I was oblivious on that Monday morning. But as the day went on, I wanted to know what was going on. I did some research. I opened my eyes to the streets around me and realized everything was barricaded. I opened my eyes and I wanted to know more. Days and weeks passed and I found myself wanting to read the paper to see what was going on. I searched every OWS website. I started following @OccupyWallStNYC. I opened my fucking eyes.

They stopped bitching and started a world wide revolution. They are brave. They are strong. The took an idea and made it a reality. So many of us are struggling. So. Many. Of. Us. I am a part of the 99%. And it ticks me off that my tax dollars are going to the bonuses of people who don't need or deserve it. That money, millions and millions of dollars, is going to people who don't do good with it. And that's fucking sad. I have a mortgage, a car loan, credit card bills, utilities, the usual. I have literally, NO savings. And yet, I give to every charity, my church AND I sponsor a little boy in Kenya. I recognize what I have and know that I am more fortunate than some. They are brave and strong and I respect them for what they've done so far. I've watched them and I know that fear guides me. I have serious anxiety issues and just watching this shit on TV makes my stomach scream. But to know that they did this. They started this and they plan on finishing it, and well I respect that. My ass isn't sleeping outside or fighting for OUR rights. And they've earned respect.

This morning when I turned on the news, I was shocked. Yes, things may have gotten a little out of hand there. Yes, it is unsanitary and the park did need to be cleaned. Yes, people have been joining in with the protest who have no business being there. The people who are taking advantage of the people fighting for a cause. That shit is not okay. And I get where Mayor Mike is coming from in that sense. But his responses to protest talk have been all over the place and completely inconsistent and I can understand why people are hating on him. What went on this morning was a raid and a half and it was sad to watch. I can't even imagine what it felt like being there.

My issue today is the ignorance. I was ignorant at the beginning, but I wanted to know more. I read a status update on Facebook stating that these people should have learned their lesson and should just go home. That no one cares, that the protest didn't work. My jaw literally dropped. It's close minded and ignorant. If you don't know about it, if you didn't do the research, don't make statements that you can't back up. I've learned that life is not only black and white... there is grey. The grey is where your mind will open. I know I can't walk around with blinders on, and that's why I finally took them off. How can you say the protest didn't work? It's world wide. WORLD. WIDE. And it's not over. Evicting them on the fly from Zucotti park, while people were probably sleepy and groggy, didn't change anything. It just moved them to a new spot. No one said "fuck this, guess we should go home." They stood their ground. And that's ballsy and awesome all at the same time.

Things need to change. They're fighting for us. For the people who struggle every single day. Telling a protester to go get a job is the lamest thing you can say. Has anyone sent out a resume recently? Even if you're qualified it doesn't matter. It's not easy to go out and get a job. That's the fucking problem. We are in the worst economy EVER. And it needs to get better. Shit needs to change. And they're fighting for that change. And they deserve respect.

Keep fighting the fight you guys. Keep it peaceful. Thank you for what you're doing. You're changing the world every day that you're doing this and it's fucking amazing...

Thanks for reading.

A Beautiful Mess...

well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write kind of turn themselves into knives... and don't mind my nerve you can call it fiction 'cause I like being submerged in your contradictions, dear...

It's been a weird couple of weeks. Weird is the word I'm using, because I'm not actually sure how to describe what I'm feeling. Weird works right now. As usual, I'm stuck in my mind. Feeling crappy one day and fabulous the next. When does this shit end? Like when do you start believing in yourself and believing that you've managed to create something substantial out of the crap hand you've been dealt? Because I need to start believing but I don't know where to begin. I feel like I can lift myself up and feel good about life, but there will always be something that I allow to bring me down. Well there's the problem, wow.

I need to stay on the up and up... and in the same breath I believe that life needs a balance of good and bad. But I need to learn how to let the good linger even when the bad comes around. I let the bad eat me alive so bad that it becomes my primary focus. And that's really shitty. I'm a good person, 90% of the time. I don't even know what I'm talking about so if you're not following, that's totally fine...

I'm just so tired of being a wreck. I haven't been sleeping. My back has been killing me lately. I'm just tired. So on a day like today where everything was good and then I had to be a jerk and look up my ex's profile on a dating website... sigh. Then I went ahead and actually read it. And now I'm pissed. I want to punch someone. Because everything he described, he had. With me. And I'm annoyed. Because this shit has consumed way too much of my life already. And seeing that shit, reading how he's looking for a serious loving relationship with a girl who is family oriented (me), outgoing (me) and self sufficient (me)... kinda fucking pissed me off. Like a lot.

I don't understand life. I really fucking don't. I have spent a lot of time concentrating on all the wrong things. But I can't stop. I'm like this horrible obsesser. I am wasting my life away on nonsense... but I feel like I can't stop. Like my brain can't turn off when it comes to all the wrong things. And the right things, well I just go ahead and take them for granted and potentially push them away because I have unsettled daddy issues and I instinctively create chaos around me so that people don't stick around and I can continue being the victim because I do it well. That's fucked up! But I can't help it. I can't stop. And I have to. I am just so fucking angry with this Casanova profile I read today. Because you had that you stupid asshole, and you threw me away like fucking garbage.

I just don't know anymore. What a mess. What a horrible mess. A beautiful mess. A beautiful disaster. I'm all those things. I'm not normal. I may look a little normal on the outside, but I'm a total abnormal, horrible wreck on the inside. I've made it work all these years, but I think it's catching up to me. I can't run from it anymore. It's here and I have to face it head on and change. And it may be great, it may suck. But I gotta push through the bullshit. I have to stop caring what everyone else is doing and start taking care of me. Because one of these days I'm going to implode and that's not going to be good. I don't wanna get to that point.

So for now, I'm gonna get back to work and finish watching Going the Distance. And tomorrow is going to be a new day. Clean slate. I'm going to forget about this lame-o profile and start fresh tomorrow. I can't make any promises, but I'm sure as shit gonna try...

Thanks for reading...

and what a beautiful mess this is... it's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes...

Sky...

sometimes I forget to love you like I should.. but I'd never leave you, no I never would, I never would...

My life. Where the hell do I begin? This talking in my sleep shit is getting out of control. My day started with a screaming match between me and special friend. 6 o'clock in the morning- screaming at each other. Because I said someone else's name while I was sleeping, again. I don't blame him for being mad but I have absolutely NO recollection of it. I'm SLEEPING.

So we screamed, and I cried, and I was late for work. And it sucked. And he blamed himself. Saying he was insecure and just got upset. I told him to stop it. That this whole situation is my fault. I'm horrible. I'm the black widow spider. I kill every damn thing that crosses my path. I'm the worst. But I apologized and spent the whole day sulking.

Then it dawned on me, "What the fuck are you doing?" came to my mind. I'm losing my mind for NO reason. I have the perfect guy. I am officially cutting the crap now. Enough is enough. I have no reason to be acting like an asshole. And so that stops today. I am on the straight and narrow from here on out. I'm gonna go out and have fun, but no more nonsense. Really, this is stupid.

It has been a hell of a damn day. My ribs are killing me because I got a tattoo yesterday. My computer desk broke and is now being held together with duct tape. I fell asleep at my desk a few times. Allergies are killing my eyes and nose. But whatever. It's one bad day. I'm not going to let it get to me. Tomorrow is a new day. My day started off horribly, but everything seems perfectly clear right now. I've been searching for clarity and I feel like I got it today. I could potentially ruin my life and my relationship if I don't cut the crap. And I don't want that. I don't ever want to be without special friend.

So maybe, nothing is by accident. Maybe everything does happen for a reason. And maybe I needed a kick in the ass. Maybe I needed to see how much I had to lose, even though I knew all of it already. But sometimes, you just need to see it crash and stop it before it burns. That's what happened this morning. I love special friend with all of my heart and I know that no one could ever love me the way that he does. And I'm grateful. The last couple of months have been rough in this brain of mine, and I thought I could deal, but now that it's affecting my special friend who doesn't deserve it, I realize that I can't deal. And so I have to change.

That's all for now.

Thanks for reading...

open my eyes... I see sky...

Oh Glory...

I can only hope it's true enough that ever little thing I do for love redeems me from the moments I deem worthy of the worst things that I've done and saves me from myself at times of envy when I'm missing everyone...

It's been a long time since I sat down to write what's going on in my head. Almost two months. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but I'm here now. I haven't really had the time to sit down and write out what I think about all day long because the thoughts are so rapid. They come and go so quickly these days and my mushy brain is too tired to force the thoughts out from my fingers. So I'm doing this today. I'm doing the writing because I need to. On the outside I probably look fine... but on the inside I am tearing apart. I feel like each piece of me is being picked apart. Whether it is anxiety or guilt or any other negative feeling eating me away, it's there. And it's kicking my ass.

I have been irresponsible with my actions. I feel like I'm going back in time. I make excuses for my reckless behavior. It's sad really. I'm fighting with my head and my heart. I'm fighting with what's right and what's wrong. There seems to be a very thin line and I'm having a hard time finding it. It's weird how I manage to straddle this invisible line though. I can't see it, but I know it's there. And I push my boundaries. I try my best not to be me. I drink myself into an oblivion because I need to get out of my mind. That sounds pretty sad. I don't think I'm pathetic in that sense. I only drink myself into oblivion on Saturday nights, but still. That sounded really fucking pathetic.

The fact is that every day I need to be 100% for everyone but me. And so when I get the opportunity to vacate the premises, I do so as quickly as possible. I feel like someone is always asking me to be present. To be there for them. And of course I don't mind, that's who I am. I will help anyone who asks. But I'm losing my shit. So when I act like an asshole, or I do something that's not like me at all, I don't feel that I have to explain myself. I am human and I feel and I need and I have all the shit going on within me that everyone else is always asking for help with.

My sleep patterns have been completely out of whack these days. Calling out names in my sleep. Asking men who are not my boyfriend to marry me. Telling my boyfriend that so and so is hot and I wanna do bad things to him. I'm not even that clear when I'm awake, now I'm fucking blabbing shit out in my sleep. Special friend left the house a few mornings in a very bad mood because of me. Truth is, I have no idea I'm doing it, I just wish I would shut the fuck up. Because now I'm actually losing sleep because I'm scared to death of what I might say that might upset him. What a mess. I am the black widow spider, spinning a web of horror. Jeez.

My life is not perfect. It's not. It may look like it, but it's not. I am grateful for everything I have. I really am. I know that I am lucky when it comes to how my life panned out. I am lucky to be alive considering the amount of shit I got myself into years ago. I'm lucky I kicked the drug habit. I'm lucky that I have someone who gives a shit about me even when I'm the biggest asshole on the planet. But when I have to be 100% and constantly keep it together, I feel like that's when I unravel. Don't get me wrong, I feel terrible about my immaturity, but I lose my shit sometimes and I need for people to be okay with that. I don't need to explain myself to anyone. End of the day, I have to live with me. I have to live with this constant thought pattern that exhausts me. I have every right to be human.

Everyone has an opinion. Everyone has something to say. But the truth is that if I'm there for you, I'm there for you 1,000%. I will give you every ounce of me. Every. Ounce. Until you totally wear out your welcome in my brain and even then, I would never tell you to leave me alone. I would still give you everything I've got. So sometimes, when I'm not getting that in return, I do what I wanna do. Whatever it may be. Now I'm rambling. And I'm still tired. And I'm not even sure what point I was trying to make... Sigh.

Anyway, this post was a mess. But so is my life lately, so why not go with the flow. Thanks for reading. Sorry I'm all over the place right now. I didn't sleep at all last night, I'm a little out of it.

if I wake in the morning I only need two more miracles to be a saint... everything I promised everyone I'd be, well I just ain't...