Kings and Queens...

the age of man is over... a darkness comes and all... these lessons that we've learned here have only just begun... we were the kings and queens of promise... we were the victims of ourselves... maybe the children of a lesser God between heaven and hell...

Today kiddies... today is exactly ONE MONTH until Dirty 30. My general attitude about it is changing. I am actually less afraid and more excited. I'm excited about a fresh new decade of life for me. Maybe a more mature one. Maybe not. I have been putting a lot of pressure on 30 and I'm not really sure why. It's not that serious. The only thing that freaks me out is if I will have enough eggs to produce children someday, but I'm not ready to be a mom yet, so there's that.

I have been working like a damn dog. For what? I have no idea. I guess just because it's my job and that's how I roll. And people keep telling me its just a job... Ok. Yea it's just a job, but it's my job and I can't afford to lose it right now. Not to mention, I have been with the company for 6+ years. These people know me and accept me for who I am. Yea they pile on the work and maybe take just a wee bit advantage of me, but it's not like I work for free. I get paid time and a half for any extra work. Whatever. Why am I explaining this here?! Anyway, I don't know of anybody who can just live off the land and not work. So why do people keep telling me that I'm not "living" by working this much? If I had a husband and children and I was working this much, then yes, I have a problem. But I am a single girl supporting HERSELF. I depend on me and I wouldn't have it any other way. When I come home everyday and walk into my apartment, I know it's mine. I owe no one for my accomplishments and my wants and needs and that is enough for me to get my ass on that train every morning and have them pile on the work.

It's so easy for people to tell you how you should be living your life. I am guilty of it myself. As humans we care about people. We want people to see the good in themselves that we see. We get defensive when someone says something about someone we care about. I get it. It's human nature to want to defend someone you love. I don't see anything wrong with my life at this moment in time. I work a lot because I figure I should because I can right now. So many people are unemployed in this economy right now that I don't see myself going "Fuck it, I quit." I can't possibly imagine what would bring me to that point right now, but I'll let you know if I think of anything. Also, I think that I secretly thrive on insanity... but that's a whole other blog post in and of itself...

3 days before my Dirty 30 celebration I want to be in San Francisco. It's my favorite city in the USA. I was so excited, ready to book a trip last night and special friend shot it down. And I'm a little mad about it because it's my 30th birthday and I'm gonna be the one paying for it anyway (let's be honest here). He's like "you don't think that'll be too much right before your birthday weekend?" NOOOOO. I want a Ghiradelli ice cream sundae FROM Ghiradelli for my 30th birthday. I wanna eat fucking lobster at one of the restaurants on the Fisherman's Wharf. My idea has been shot down, but that does NOT mean I won't be on that plane... I'll keep you posted... I am usually impulsive so this may happen...

Anyway, I'm tired of hearing the sounds of snow blowers and shovels. We are buried alive in the NYC again. I think there's about a foot outside, but I don't care. I walk places in snow drifts so once my blood rises to cabin fever mode I will just take a walk somewhere. Plug in the music and walk in the beautiful white outside. It's usually the only time in the NYC when it's 90% quieter than usual and that's huge. Cars aren't driving so fast, everyone slows down a bit. Then the day after the blizzard everyone is back to being in a rush and splashing black mushy snow everywhere in their douchebag SUV's that are always more important than everyone else... so I'm going to enjoy today while I can. Before all the "more important" assholes come out of the woodwork tomorrow.

Hope everyone is having a lovely day!

Thanks for reading...

we are the kings... we are the queens...