This has been a rough couple of months. I turned Dirty 30, totally fucking awesome. Really, I had the best night of my whole life. It was rad and I'm so happy. I drank out of a huge goblet, was tricked into doing shots of whiskey and I didn't puke, pass out or cry. Epic fucking win. But back here in reality, I am having a hard time. Not that I can't deal, it's just that reality is annoying the shit out of me lately. Like, I really wanna scream at people.
I had surgery last week on my deviated septum. Best shit ever. It's annoying now because it's healing inside and itchy, but I can breathe and that's a HUGE bonus. I was scared to death to do it and it was for no reason, I feel awesome health-wise. Haven't smoked since right before surgery, feeling good in the lung department as well. What I'm having a problem with is humanity in general. The need for instant gratification is so fucking aggravating that I feel like I'm losing my mind. I am one person. I'm not trying to play martyr here, but really, I am one, very small person in this great big world. And to expect shit from me and give a nasty response when I don't deliver instantly only pisses me off and makes me shut down. It makes me not want to do things for people. It makes me not want to talk to you. It makes me want to throw the phone across the room.
I'm over worked in every aspect of my life and it's frustrating. Especially when I'm trying to get to good. I'm tired of being asked what I want in my future. I don't know. I can't predict shit. I was just gonna ride this life thing out and see where it takes me. And I hate when people say that I control my destiny and that I can't just sit back and let life guide me. I used to say that too, and I could smack myself for saying it. That's such a fucking new wavey thing to say... you control your destiny... seize the day! I trust what I trust and believe with my whole heart that everything in this life happens for a reason. You read the signs and get to the next phase. But since everyone wants an answer RIGHT FUCKING NOW, it's a little difficult to explain my theory of seeing where life is gonna take me next.
Anyway, I'm ok for once. I'm not anxious, haven't had a migraine in a week, been sleeping well, haven't smoked, once my nose heals I'm going to start running every day. So far so good. I'm just tired of the questions that I don't have answers to right now. And I'm tired of the bullshit attitudes that follow when I don't have an answer. I am human and I'm still trying to put myself together. Just pump the brakes a bit. I don't know, maybe I sound like a fucking bitch, but I need me to be ok. I have to live with me for the rest of my life, and I just need me to be ok...
Thanks for reading...
ill with want and poisoned by this ugly greed...
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