I and Love and You...

When at first I learned to speak I used all my words to fight... With him and her and you and me, but it's just a waste of time... Yea it's such a waste of time...

I am a fighter, not a lover. I spend my time fighting for what I need and what. I fight for the ones I love. I fight with myself on a daily basis trying so hard to understand what I need and want. Everyday is a struggle because I have no clue...

When I think about all the time that was wasted on pointless bullshit, I feel like an asshole and I push the rest of the world away as I try to bring myself back to feeling ok. I am agitated today, wasting a lot of my awake time thinking about what a bitch I am and how I am horrible and deserve nothing. When I feel like everything is alright and I haven't done anything wrong, it is then that I realize that I have unconsciously hurt someone somehow, and that annoys the shit outta me.

And so today is gonna be one of those days where I smile on the outside but my heart is in agony. Wondering how I manage to fuck up even when I think I'm good. And it's going to be one of those days where I keep to myself because the fight in my head is taking over my whole body and I can't spend the day crying at my desk.

The fighter in me has pushed people away because I was stubborn and couldn't hurt my pride. But I'm wondering now if the fight was worth it. Because I am the one agonizing over this, and its eating me alive. The need to prove how strong I am has made me weak. Today is a day where I feel the agony of defeat. Where everything in my head doesn't make sense. And I miss him more than I knew I could and I wish I didn't. And I wonder if he misses me too. And it's going to be a day where I know I could have been happy but I was too proud to let someone get the best of me.

So that's all for now...

Thanks for reading...

Three words that became hard to say...I and Love and You...