I wish that my posts weren't so blah. I wish I had some great shit to tell you, but I don't. I'm crawling in my skin this week. PMS hits me hard. I'm a cranky pants. Can't get dressed like a normal human being. Walked in my house and it was covered in clothes. Had to think for a minute and remembered that I did that this morning while trying to get dressed for work. Showed up about an hour late. I just can't motivate lately. This week I know it's PMS, what will be my excuse next week?
I am so tired of this mundane, every day shit. It's so not me. I sit at my desk sometimes and go "what the fuck am I doing here?" I need more. But the truth is that my job pays the bills. And I swear to God, if one more person tells me "if it were supposed to be fun they wouldn't call it WORK" I'm going to scream. Because there are a lot of people out there who absolutely love what they do. I am not one of those people and it's getting to me.
I'm 30. I need to make some changes. But I'm so damn tired. I don't want to go back to school. I already don't have enough time in my day, now I'm going to add school and studying to the mix? Oh hell no. I will die. I love sleep. It's my thing. And to just throw caution (and money I don't have thankyouverymuch) to the wind is not something I like to do when the end result carries no guarantees. I need guarantees and unfortunately, life doesn't give them out.
I want to be a writer. That's what I want. I want to write for a living. I have 2 screenplays that need to be finished but I'm so damn afraid of failing that I let them sit on my computer and don't go near them. But when I write, I feel alive. My brain does things that it never gets to do. Writing moves me. Its something that I love doing. But how do I make a mortgage payment with writing? Everybody is a writer now. You don't even have to be good at it. So what makes me special? I need to bring something to the table and I'm so afraid that what I possess will never be enough.
That's lame and I sound like a coward, trust me, I know. It's annoying as hell. But I need to do it. I need to finish at least one of the screenplays before the summer ends. The one that I'm really focusing on is brilliant. At least I think it is. But what the hell do I know? I'm not some artsy fartsy film student. AND, I don't have six grand to become an artsy fartsy film student. I am me. That's it. That's all I've got. Some days it's enough, and some days it holds me back. But I know I need to do this. I need to push forward and get out of this rut. I've said it too many times and I just can't do this anymore. I want more. I deserve more. I can't always be the girl watching everything happen around me and never doing anything with it.
I'm going to do it. And it's going to be brilliant. I need to keep pounding that into my own head. I know that what I've created is special, I just have to make other people see it... unfortunately, that's the hard part...
Anyway, thanks for reading...
I'm the light blinking at the end of the road... blink back to let me know...
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