I'm sitting here watching a Jersey Shore marathon. Please don't hate me. It's like a train wreck, I can't turn away. I am grateful every single day that I have more brain cells than these people. And maybe, even happier that I was never in a relationship like Sam and Ron. Glad I don't know anyone like the Situation, because I would punch him in the face every single day of my life if I did. I do think that me and Pauly D would get along... that dude is fucking riot. But, I did not sit here to talk about the Jersey Shore.
Something is seriously wrong with me. If you haven't figured that out yet by reading this blog, then I'm telling you right now. I have issues. I'm a dick. I am a hopeless romantic, but I want what I see in my thoughts. If it doesn't pan out like that, then I don't want it. I hate surprises when it comes to love. I always have an ulterior motive. Always happy about the relationship I'm in and yet always planning my escape. I love with my whole heart and let people stomp on it whole heartedly, but I have these crazy thoughts constantly running through my head. I'm scared to commit. The word forever and all that it means scares the absolute shit out of me. It's like as I'm getting older, I'm getting dumber and more immature. Hello regression.
So what do I do? How do I stop playing with fire when sometimes it feels so damn good? I don't want to get burned so bad that I ruin my whole life, but a few little burns don't seem to scare me into reality. I'm a mess. What if I commit to forever and realize that I'm not happy? It happens. In fact, it happens everyday. What if I'm not the girl who really wants stability? What am I thinking? I don't know anymore. I feel like my whole life has been me searching for acceptance and clarity but I only end up turning it into a clusterfuck when I finally get there. It's sick really. This isn't right. I don't trust myself. I am so completely backwards in my thinking lately and it's scary.
I know I'm not the only one out there who thinks this way. We all have our demons. It's how we give into them that really makes us who we are and different from everyone else. I don't have to let my imagination get the best of me. I can think in the now and live here and now and not worry about what will come tomorrow... but I'm not that girl. I can't shut off the ideas that flow in and out of my brain every day. I feel like if I'm feeling that way, it's for a reason. That somehow someone is trying to tell me something and stop me from doing something that is going to change me in a way that I won't like. OR, maybe I'm just a fucking idiot. Destined to live this life listening to bullshit thoughts and end up alone.
I just don't know anymore. And that's why it is so much easier to watch a train wreck like the Jersey Shore on TV because my brain goes completely numb. I don't have to think about me when I'm watching these idiots act like a bunch of animals. Makes me feel good about myself. I know I'm not perfect. I am so far from it. But I make it work. I keep things stable when they need to be. No one knows the emotional turmoil I deal with on a daily basis. They don't need that shit. Plus, I can't even explain it. It happens and then fades away. It would be stupid to sit down and tell someone how I'm feeling because chances are, tomorrow it will change.
There's so much shit going on in the world that I have to just keep my life slow and steady. I'm not rushing into anything with anyone. I have been with special friend for a long time and our relationship is great. And there is no reason to rush beyond what I know about it. We are good together. He's the yin to my yang. He balances out my craziness and I love him. And as long as he's around, I feel like I'll be alright. Let's just pray to sweet baby Jesus that I don't scare him away...
Thanks for reading...
pretty, pretty please don't you ever, ever feel like you're less than fuckin' perfect...
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