Thursday, April 26, 2012

I Caught Myself...

you got it, you got it, some kind of magic... hypnotic, hypnotic, you're leaving me breathless... I hate this, I hate this, you're not the one I believe in, with God as my witness...


You've probably heard all of the cliches about life being defined by moments. Moments that take your breath away or whatever.  I've been thinking a lot today about the moments in my life.  I try really hard to remember the ones that changed me.  The ones that have brought me here to this place.  The lessons that I've learned.  What defines me and who I really am.  And the truth is that I'm having a lot of trouble focusing on defining moments in my life because I feel like they all pass by so quickly.  Like I didn't know it was a defining moment and I forgot to record it in my long term memory.  Or I've managed to bury them so far into my subconscious that I can't get them out now.

What's most difficult about this thing called life is that a lot of us don't realize how quickly it passes until it has already passed.  It's not that we take the moments for granted, it's just that we don't realize that they're defining us when they're happening.  And I try to work it out in my head and pick a few moments out of the ol' gray matter just so I can get a decent span of time and when things happened.  But I can't ever figure out how or when I changed.  I know I'm different now.  Not necessarily good or bad.  I'm just different.  I've been through a lot of things that I never thought I would have to pull myself out of.  Doesn't make me special, it just makes me ME.  And it upsets me sometimes because I never wanted to be this girl.  I'm not bad, but I'm not good either.

5 years ago I was a completely different person.  And I have said it many times while venting here that I used to be carefree.  I used to not give a shit about anything.  No fear.  Just swimming along in the pool of life.  5 years ago changed me.  I lost a part of me and it's ok.  That's part of life.  Things happen and they change you.  But I thought back then that my life made some sense.  And then it didn't.  I had to make the hardest decision of my life.  And I like to tell myself that I'm over it and that I'm ok.  And I'd like to sit here and tell you that I'm a better person now, but I'm not.  What I learned from that moment in my life was that I would never be the same.  And I feel like that life changing moment in time that happened almost 6 years ago has made me the person I am today.   Today, in 2012 I fight every single urge to be normal.  I can't give in to a normal life.  I can't.  I make everything complicated because I feel that after everything I've been through, I get to be an asshole sometimes.  And that may sound crazy to you, but don't say that you've never felt that way in your life.  Because you would be lying.

I'm battling a lot of feelings right now.  And unfortunately it's not between me and me.  I'm scared to sleep because this new talking in my sleep bullshit that started sometime in September is ruining my life.  I am so damn tired.  And all I keep doing is replaying this one moment on January 1st, 2012 and I can't get it out of my head.  It changed me.  Everything happens for a reason, and I'm not quite sure what the fuck the reason is for this.  But these moments in time are fucking with me.  What moments are worth keeping?  What moments are worth a second or third thought?  What moments should we read into?  The over analyzation of it all is exhausting.  We all want to believe that each one of these moments is something grand.  A life changer.  But are they?  Or are they just us looking for something more than what we've got?  Do key words and feelings mean anything?  Or are we really just hoping for something life changing to happen?

I'm fucking lost.  That's the God's honest truth.  I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm tired of it.  And the every day normal life that I'm living pushes me further into my day dreams.  And it's frustrating because all I ever wished for was normal and now that I have it I can't hang.  I act out and do things that I think in my fucked up brain are right and they couldn't be more wrong.  And it sucks.  I don't want to hurt anyone, I'm just lost.  And so I'm going to try to keep things status quo.  This feeling will pass.  I know it will.  The way I swing from thought to thought like Tarzan is super human sometimes, it's really impressive.  I know I'm not the only one that questions life and it's moments.  It just sucks because I so badly want to figure it out.  I just feel like every time I think I've figured it out, I get beaned in the head with a curve ball.  I will get to where I need to be.  I will get to good.  I just need to savor the moments that really mean something and ditch the ones that are here to distract me.  When I figure out which is which, I'll let you know.

Thanks for reading...

now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself from saying something that I should have never thought...