Saturday, July 30, 2011

Fuckin' Perfect...

mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood, miss, no way it's all good, it didn't slow me down... mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated, look I'm still around...

I'm sitting here watching a Jersey Shore marathon. Please don't hate me. It's like a train wreck, I can't turn away. I am grateful every single day that I have more brain cells than these people. And maybe, even happier that I was never in a relationship like Sam and Ron. Glad I don't know anyone like the Situation, because I would punch him in the face every single day of my life if I did. I do think that me and Pauly D would get along... that dude is fucking riot. But, I did not sit here to talk about the Jersey Shore.

Something is seriously wrong with me. If you haven't figured that out yet by reading this blog, then I'm telling you right now. I have issues. I'm a dick. I am a hopeless romantic, but I want what I see in my thoughts. If it doesn't pan out like that, then I don't want it. I hate surprises when it comes to love. I always have an ulterior motive. Always happy about the relationship I'm in and yet always planning my escape. I love with my whole heart and let people stomp on it whole heartedly, but I have these crazy thoughts constantly running through my head. I'm scared to commit. The word forever and all that it means scares the absolute shit out of me. It's like as I'm getting older, I'm getting dumber and more immature. Hello regression.

So what do I do? How do I stop playing with fire when sometimes it feels so damn good? I don't want to get burned so bad that I ruin my whole life, but a few little burns don't seem to scare me into reality. I'm a mess. What if I commit to forever and realize that I'm not happy? It happens. In fact, it happens everyday. What if I'm not the girl who really wants stability? What am I thinking? I don't know anymore. I feel like my whole life has been me searching for acceptance and clarity but I only end up turning it into a clusterfuck when I finally get there. It's sick really. This isn't right. I don't trust myself. I am so completely backwards in my thinking lately and it's scary.

I know I'm not the only one out there who thinks this way. We all have our demons. It's how we give into them that really makes us who we are and different from everyone else. I don't have to let my imagination get the best of me. I can think in the now and live here and now and not worry about what will come tomorrow... but I'm not that girl. I can't shut off the ideas that flow in and out of my brain every day. I feel like if I'm feeling that way, it's for a reason. That somehow someone is trying to tell me something and stop me from doing something that is going to change me in a way that I won't like. OR, maybe I'm just a fucking idiot. Destined to live this life listening to bullshit thoughts and end up alone.

I just don't know anymore. And that's why it is so much easier to watch a train wreck like the Jersey Shore on TV because my brain goes completely numb. I don't have to think about me when I'm watching these idiots act like a bunch of animals. Makes me feel good about myself. I know I'm not perfect. I am so far from it. But I make it work. I keep things stable when they need to be. No one knows the emotional turmoil I deal with on a daily basis. They don't need that shit. Plus, I can't even explain it. It happens and then fades away. It would be stupid to sit down and tell someone how I'm feeling because chances are, tomorrow it will change.

There's so much shit going on in the world that I have to just keep my life slow and steady. I'm not rushing into anything with anyone. I have been with special friend for a long time and our relationship is great. And there is no reason to rush beyond what I know about it. We are good together. He's the yin to my yang. He balances out my craziness and I love him. And as long as he's around, I feel like I'll be alright. Let's just pray to sweet baby Jesus that I don't scare him away...

Thanks for reading...

pretty, pretty please don't you ever, ever feel like you're less than fuckin' perfect...

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Always...

I'm a fly that's trapped in a web but I'm thinking that my spider's dead... lonely, lonely little life, I could kid myself by thinking that I'm fine...

I wish that my posts weren't so blah. I wish I had some great shit to tell you, but I don't. I'm crawling in my skin this week. PMS hits me hard. I'm a cranky pants. Can't get dressed like a normal human being. Walked in my house and it was covered in clothes. Had to think for a minute and remembered that I did that this morning while trying to get dressed for work. Showed up about an hour late. I just can't motivate lately. This week I know it's PMS, what will be my excuse next week?

I am so tired of this mundane, every day shit. It's so not me. I sit at my desk sometimes and go "what the fuck am I doing here?" I need more. But the truth is that my job pays the bills. And I swear to God, if one more person tells me "if it were supposed to be fun they wouldn't call it WORK" I'm going to scream. Because there are a lot of people out there who absolutely love what they do. I am not one of those people and it's getting to me.

I'm 30. I need to make some changes. But I'm so damn tired. I don't want to go back to school. I already don't have enough time in my day, now I'm going to add school and studying to the mix? Oh hell no. I will die. I love sleep. It's my thing. And to just throw caution (and money I don't have thankyouverymuch) to the wind is not something I like to do when the end result carries no guarantees. I need guarantees and unfortunately, life doesn't give them out.

I want to be a writer. That's what I want. I want to write for a living. I have 2 screenplays that need to be finished but I'm so damn afraid of failing that I let them sit on my computer and don't go near them. But when I write, I feel alive. My brain does things that it never gets to do. Writing moves me. Its something that I love doing. But how do I make a mortgage payment with writing? Everybody is a writer now. You don't even have to be good at it. So what makes me special? I need to bring something to the table and I'm so afraid that what I possess will never be enough.

That's lame and I sound like a coward, trust me, I know. It's annoying as hell. But I need to do it. I need to finish at least one of the screenplays before the summer ends. The one that I'm really focusing on is brilliant. At least I think it is. But what the hell do I know? I'm not some artsy fartsy film student. AND, I don't have six grand to become an artsy fartsy film student. I am me. That's it. That's all I've got. Some days it's enough, and some days it holds me back. But I know I need to do this. I need to push forward and get out of this rut. I've said it too many times and I just can't do this anymore. I want more. I deserve more. I can't always be the girl watching everything happen around me and never doing anything with it.

I'm going to do it. And it's going to be brilliant. I need to keep pounding that into my own head. I know that what I've created is special, I just have to make other people see it... unfortunately, that's the hard part...

Anyway, thanks for reading...

I'm the light blinking at the end of the road... blink back to let me know...


Sunday, July 3, 2011

Sunday Morning...

I know who I am but who are you? you're not looking like you used to... you're on the other side of the mirror so nothing's looking quite as clear... thank you for turning on the lights... thank you now you're the parasite... I didn't think you had it in you...

There are quite a few things that bother me. I'm a pretty easy going person, but once you get on my bad side, its usually incredibly hard to get yourself off of it. I don't like being that way. I am Italian, it's in my blood to forgive but not forget. I wish I could turn that part of my brain off sometimes because I don't particularly like being like that. But on the other hand, I don't mind being cynical. I don't enjoy being bitchy, but I really don't forget anything bad. It is THE most annoying character flaw anyone can possess, and here I am possessing it.

I try and tell myself that I need to cut the shit, but some things really get under my fucking skin. Like the new Google search, for example. Why oh why did they have to change it? Every damn time I go to search for something, I type in ONE FUCKING LETTER, and Google decides that it is a fucking mind reader and gives me what I MIGHT be thinking about based on the first letter. Google is all "I can name that search in ONE LETTER" getting all Name That Tune on me. Anyway, I will forgive, but I will not forget Google. You're fucking annoying these days. Just because I type in R doesn't mean I give a fuck about Rebecca Black. GRRRR.

Obviously, I didn't sit here with my 16 ounce Coors Light to discuss my issues with Google, but I was just giving you examples, you know, because I'm cool like that. I am sitting here in my little apartment. My tiny slice of the American Dream. And I am so completely happy to be here. It's me and the cat, chilling and relaxing. Couldn't ask for anything more right now. Not too long ago I was told that I work too many hours and that I don't really LIVE my life. And I felt so completely miserable being told that. I believe I live my life. I do what I want, when I want. And for a while I actually started to believe my life was shit. That I didn't make a shitload of money and had to work like a dog and that I would never amount to anything if I kept going at that pace. But the truth is that I am happy. I am. I go through spurts of hating life, but that's just to keep the balance. You can't be happy every single second of every single day. And if you are, you're lying to yourself. You have to have a balance of emotions. That's my opinion, doesn't mean I'm right.

I just hate when people feel the need to brag about how great life is and rub it in your face if yours isn't exactly like theirs. It gets under my skin. I don't think it's a jealousy thing, but I could be wrong. I just feel that no matter what you have in this life, you should recognize where you came from. You should recognize that no matter what you possess, there are others out there who have less than you. That no matter how great everything seems, there is way more going on than the facade. I just don't like when people feel the need to brag. It really takes the beauty out of it. And so my life may be a little shitty life compared to yours, but I'm happy with it. I know who I am and where I came from. I know I have overcome more shit than some people see in one life time and I know I've only seen a fraction of what others have seen.

I hope everyone is having a great 4th of July weekend. I hope you are doing things with people you care about. I hope you are out there doing whatever makes you happy. I'm all about supporting decisions as long as it makes you happy. So I'm on your side. Just don't fuck with me. Then you have one less person on your side. And just for the record, I'm a really rad person to have on your side.

Thanks for reading...

I thought I knew you... but I've got a new view... I thought I knew you well... oh well...