My life. Where the hell do I begin? This talking in my sleep shit is getting out of control. My day started with a screaming match between me and special friend. 6 o'clock in the morning- screaming at each other. Because I said someone else's name while I was sleeping, again. I don't blame him for being mad but I have absolutely NO recollection of it. I'm SLEEPING.
So we screamed, and I cried, and I was late for work. And it sucked. And he blamed himself. Saying he was insecure and just got upset. I told him to stop it. That this whole situation is my fault. I'm horrible. I'm the black widow spider. I kill every damn thing that crosses my path. I'm the worst. But I apologized and spent the whole day sulking.
Then it dawned on me, "What the fuck are you doing?" came to my mind. I'm losing my mind for NO reason. I have the perfect guy. I am officially cutting the crap now. Enough is enough. I have no reason to be acting like an asshole. And so that stops today. I am on the straight and narrow from here on out. I'm gonna go out and have fun, but no more nonsense. Really, this is stupid.
It has been a hell of a damn day. My ribs are killing me because I got a tattoo yesterday. My computer desk broke and is now being held together with duct tape. I fell asleep at my desk a few times. Allergies are killing my eyes and nose. But whatever. It's one bad day. I'm not going to let it get to me. Tomorrow is a new day. My day started off horribly, but everything seems perfectly clear right now. I've been searching for clarity and I feel like I got it today. I could potentially ruin my life and my relationship if I don't cut the crap. And I don't want that. I don't ever want to be without special friend.
So maybe, nothing is by accident. Maybe everything does happen for a reason. And maybe I needed a kick in the ass. Maybe I needed to see how much I had to lose, even though I knew all of it already. But sometimes, you just need to see it crash and stop it before it burns. That's what happened this morning. I love special friend with all of my heart and I know that no one could ever love me the way that he does. And I'm grateful. The last couple of months have been rough in this brain of mine, and I thought I could deal, but now that it's affecting my special friend who doesn't deserve it, I realize that I can't deal. And so I have to change.
That's all for now.
Thanks for reading...
open my eyes... I see sky...