Thursday, February 17, 2011

Let The Music Play...

there's a song that you can find in every moment of your life... in every tear you've ever cried... in every painful last goodbye... so when the system breaks you down, just listen to the sound...

I'm losing my fight. I'm not fighting with anyone in particular... I'm just losing the fight in me. Like I'm too tired to fight back anymore. I have been sick for 4 weeks. FOUR weeks. That's too fucking long in my book. WAY too fucking long. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning because it feels like someone kicked my ass while I was sleeping. I wake up with my pajama pants around my boobs and twisted to the side, hair is a fucking birds nest and I'm thinking "What the FUCK went on while I was sleeping??" I check to make sure the cat is alive and well, he is. Then I dawdle while picking out clothes, already an hour late to work. Listening to the trains pass behind my building and wonder which one I will finally get on. Sigh.

Life is kicking my ass right now. I have no time to mend my illness because I am too busy with work. Again, I am not doing anything for the greater good. I am a slave to piles of paper that won't go away. I come home and it's the same shit. While continuing paperwork that I had to take home because of stupid deadlines, I have the bitch downstairs banging shit on the ceiling when I talk too loud. I'm losing my mind. I just want it all to stop. Seriously, I'm gonna lose my mind.

But I have great people around me who love me and so I'm grateful for that. I am just trying to get better because I feel like ass. Dirty 30 is TEN days away people! TEN! And I am so fucking excited because it's gonna be an awesome couple of days of celebration with my favorite people on the planet and so that is getting me through all this bullshit. But it really is time for a life evaluation here. I am one fucking person with the whole entire world on her shoulders every day. I do it to myself. I make myself available and I let people walk all over me. But I've come to the conclusion that I am not desperate enough to let people take complete advantage of me... I'm getting into a "Fuck it" kinda mode where I really don't care about work. They need me. That sounds shallow, but they do.

Anyway, I said 2011 was gonna be my year and I'm determined to make it so. This is a new decade of life and I'm ready for it. I am ready to embrace it and start standing up for myself. It only took me forever, but it's time. I am so tired. I plug in my ear buds and I tune everyone out. I live by the soundtrack of my day. I start off fresh in the morning doing my best to make sure it's a good day. Sometimes it is, sometimes not so much. But if I end the day smiling, it's all gravy.

what do I do when it's all been done... when the words have all been sung... and I've given up the best of me... let the music play...

Thanks for reading...

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