I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness and a wandering eye and a heaviness in my head... But don't you remember the reason you loved me before...
Ah, ya gotta love the curveballs in life... That's what I keep telling myself. That's what I tell myself to try to get back to a normal state of mind... Whatever the fuck that is... What's great about curveballs is that they always hit me square in the guts... Like, really fucking hard.
I have been good for a while. But as usual that feeling never stays. There is ALWAYS another shoe ready to drop. You would think I wouldn't be so surprised anymore, but I guess my head is so jam packed with bullshit that I don't have the brain capacity to remember the last time I felt another emotion besides completely fucking exhausted. And then we factor in social networking sites and bam! It's a perfect curveball coming at me. Curveballs into the guts or shoes dropping, whatever metaphor works better for you...Yes ladies and gents, a picture of the ex managed to knock me over.
My issue here is that I harbor these feelings for him and I'm not even sure if they are good or bad anymore. I see his smile and I miss him but at the same time I get so upset that he's happy. I get angry that his life is normal and not total and complete fucking chaos like mine. That if I had just kept my mouth shut about marriage at 25 we would have worked out. And I know that I am craving clarity and that's why its easy to say that everything would have been great if we had just worked it out 4 years ago... I want to see him and tell him I'm sorry and that I was a stupid girl and I'm different now... But that's not true. I'm the same strong willed me, just a few years older and less willing to change who I am...
Now I am all over the place with emotions. Feeling the cravings for nesting and being a mom and the fairytale and all that bullshit. And I want the life I dreamt of. I want it and it's shattered and I have been trying to put the pieces back together ever since. It's just so incredibly sad to me that I have a good life with so much to be grateful for and I waste my time wondering what "could have been"...
Just had to push this out of the pile of mush formerly known as my brain. Life is good, but I have to live in right now, not then...
Thanks for reading...
I often think about where I went wrong... The more I do, the less I know...
Ah, ya gotta love the curveballs in life... That's what I keep telling myself. That's what I tell myself to try to get back to a normal state of mind... Whatever the fuck that is... What's great about curveballs is that they always hit me square in the guts... Like, really fucking hard.
I have been good for a while. But as usual that feeling never stays. There is ALWAYS another shoe ready to drop. You would think I wouldn't be so surprised anymore, but I guess my head is so jam packed with bullshit that I don't have the brain capacity to remember the last time I felt another emotion besides completely fucking exhausted. And then we factor in social networking sites and bam! It's a perfect curveball coming at me. Curveballs into the guts or shoes dropping, whatever metaphor works better for you...Yes ladies and gents, a picture of the ex managed to knock me over.
My issue here is that I harbor these feelings for him and I'm not even sure if they are good or bad anymore. I see his smile and I miss him but at the same time I get so upset that he's happy. I get angry that his life is normal and not total and complete fucking chaos like mine. That if I had just kept my mouth shut about marriage at 25 we would have worked out. And I know that I am craving clarity and that's why its easy to say that everything would have been great if we had just worked it out 4 years ago... I want to see him and tell him I'm sorry and that I was a stupid girl and I'm different now... But that's not true. I'm the same strong willed me, just a few years older and less willing to change who I am...
Now I am all over the place with emotions. Feeling the cravings for nesting and being a mom and the fairytale and all that bullshit. And I want the life I dreamt of. I want it and it's shattered and I have been trying to put the pieces back together ever since. It's just so incredibly sad to me that I have a good life with so much to be grateful for and I waste my time wondering what "could have been"...
Just had to push this out of the pile of mush formerly known as my brain. Life is good, but I have to live in right now, not then...
Thanks for reading...
I often think about where I went wrong... The more I do, the less I know...
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