It's been a long time since I sat down to write what's going on in my head. Almost two months. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but I'm here now. I haven't really had the time to sit down and write out what I think about all day long because the thoughts are so rapid. They come and go so quickly these days and my mushy brain is too tired to force the thoughts out from my fingers. So I'm doing this today. I'm doing the writing because I need to. On the outside I probably look fine... but on the inside I am tearing apart. I feel like each piece of me is being picked apart. Whether it is anxiety or guilt or any other negative feeling eating me away, it's there. And it's kicking my ass.
I have been irresponsible with my actions. I feel like I'm going back in time. I make excuses for my reckless behavior. It's sad really. I'm fighting with my head and my heart. I'm fighting with what's right and what's wrong. There seems to be a very thin line and I'm having a hard time finding it. It's weird how I manage to straddle this invisible line though. I can't see it, but I know it's there. And I push my boundaries. I try my best not to be me. I drink myself into an oblivion because I need to get out of my mind. That sounds pretty sad. I don't think I'm pathetic in that sense. I only drink myself into oblivion on Saturday nights, but still. That sounded really fucking pathetic.
The fact is that every day I need to be 100% for everyone but me. And so when I get the opportunity to vacate the premises, I do so as quickly as possible. I feel like someone is always asking me to be present. To be there for them. And of course I don't mind, that's who I am. I will help anyone who asks. But I'm losing my shit. So when I act like an asshole, or I do something that's not like me at all, I don't feel that I have to explain myself. I am human and I feel and I need and I have all the shit going on within me that everyone else is always asking for help with.
My sleep patterns have been completely out of whack these days. Calling out names in my sleep. Asking men who are not my boyfriend to marry me. Telling my boyfriend that so and so is hot and I wanna do bad things to him. I'm not even that clear when I'm awake, now I'm fucking blabbing shit out in my sleep. Special friend left the house a few mornings in a very bad mood because of me. Truth is, I have no idea I'm doing it, I just wish I would shut the fuck up. Because now I'm actually losing sleep because I'm scared to death of what I might say that might upset him. What a mess. I am the black widow spider, spinning a web of horror. Jeez.
My life is not perfect. It's not. It may look like it, but it's not. I am grateful for everything I have. I really am. I know that I am lucky when it comes to how my life panned out. I am lucky to be alive considering the amount of shit I got myself into years ago. I'm lucky I kicked the drug habit. I'm lucky that I have someone who gives a shit about me even when I'm the biggest asshole on the planet. But when I have to be 100% and constantly keep it together, I feel like that's when I unravel. Don't get me wrong, I feel terrible about my immaturity, but I lose my shit sometimes and I need for people to be okay with that. I don't need to explain myself to anyone. End of the day, I have to live with me. I have to live with this constant thought pattern that exhausts me. I have every right to be human.
Everyone has an opinion. Everyone has something to say. But the truth is that if I'm there for you, I'm there for you 1,000%. I will give you every ounce of me. Every. Ounce. Until you totally wear out your welcome in my brain and even then, I would never tell you to leave me alone. I would still give you everything I've got. So sometimes, when I'm not getting that in return, I do what I wanna do. Whatever it may be. Now I'm rambling. And I'm still tired. And I'm not even sure what point I was trying to make... Sigh.
Anyway, this post was a mess. But so is my life lately, so why not go with the flow. Thanks for reading. Sorry I'm all over the place right now. I didn't sleep at all last night, I'm a little out of it.
if I wake in the morning I only need two more miracles to be a saint... everything I promised everyone I'd be, well I just ain't...
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