Are We The Waiting...

starry nights, city lights coming down over me... skyscrapers and stargazers in my head... are we, we are... are we, we are the waiting unknown... this dirty town was burning down in my dreams... lost and found city bound in my dreams... and screaming...

Will any of us ever really be happy? I have been struggling with this question for a very long time. Maybe even my lifetime so far. And maybe that struggle won't ever stop. It's a tough question to go back and forth with because there is no answer. There's no right or wrong. It just is what it is. You can't do research on it. It's just this question that hangs there, waiting for an answer that will never be.

I come from a broken home. It was better off, trust me. My parents are two very strong personalities and if they had stayed together, one of them wouldn't have made it out alive. That's a fact. You put two hot heads in a marriage and it's bound to end up in disaster. All good. I'm strong like bull because of it. On the outside at least. On the inside, I'm a 30 year old mess. A beautiful mess, but a mess. And I'm messy and fucking complicated and I hate spending time alone when my mind has time to drift into crazy-ville and I have time to think. It's horrible. It's torture actually. I spend most of my alone time beating myself up for my mistakes, regretting some (read: all) of the stupid things I've done in the past few years, crying about how I'm not happy, I have no money, I'm surrounded in bills, I have a shitty downstairs neighbor that aggravates my whole fucking life... you know, the usual.

I'm 30 years old and I'm not married. I choose that. I have to pay for my own wedding. Momma said, and I quote, "I'm not paying for your wedding. I paid for everything in your life so you're father could fucking spring for your wedding. It'll be the only thing he ever fucking paid for." Which means, in retrospect, that I'm going to have to pay for my own wedding. So unless someone is throwing me a benefit, that's not happening any time soon. I refuse to settle when it comes to that. I'm a typical cliche girl who has dreamt about it her whole life, give or take a few years, and I'm not having a wedding that I won't love or isn't exactly what I want. That sounds lame I'm sure, but whatever. It's just one more excuse to not get married right now. I come from a broken home, and I'm hopeless when it comes to this lifetime commitment shit. I have a great special friend in my life, it's working right now, I don't want to head down the aisle until I know that I will be okay. I am not about to ruin his life...

Everything is so uncertain around me, it's hard to get my bearings sometimes. I rely so heavily on what my heart tells me to do and when my brain catches up it basically tells me to go fuck myself. And when that happens, I go to the dark place where I cry about bullshit because that's what I need to do. Special friend and I had a talk the other day about how I've been talking in my sleep. I've been in a really dark place because of it. Scared to go to sleep, don't want to wake up to a mad special friend. It's like I can't win either way. And so I said I would go to therapy to try and fix it. He doesn't offer to do it, just says that I should go. The other day it dawned on him that this really isn't my issue, it's his. Because I have absolutely no clue that I'm doing it and I have no recollection of it when I wake up... I just know it happened because he's pissed. He told me he doesn't want me to go to therapy. He knows how much I love him and he's not going to let this bullshit ruin our relationship. It felt good to hear him say it. Because I was hanging out in that really murky place for a few weeks and was starting to really hate myself.

I'm in the process of weaning off the anxiety meds. What a pain in the ass. I get these zaps, as I like to call them. They are like split second nerve zaps that happen way to many fucking times a day. And of course I googled it (yes, I googled "nerve zaps") and found that it's a direct reaction to lowering my dosage. GREAT. This should be a great fucking process. Anyway, I don't know if I'll actually ever be okay. And that scares me. I used to be carefree and just go wherever life would take me. Now, it's just constant fear. Fear that I will hurt special friend more than I already have. Fear that I won't ever get to the place where I can afford a wedding. Fear that I won't get to have babies because I'm never gonna be able to move out of this studio apartment. I'm so tired of being guided by fear, but it's where I come from. It's what's been instilled in me for as long as I can remember. So now I have stomach ulcers and I clench my jaw so tight that I get migraines, but I don't know what else to do. I should just give it to God, trust what I know. But I can't let go of that fear. It's so much easier said than done.

So will any of us ever be happy? I know I'm not alone in my battles. None of us know what we're doing. I just think that the people who seem okay just know how to hide it better. They don't wear it right there on their chest like a scarlet letter like I do. This is life. We just go with it. Day in and day out. We convince ourselves that we're okay even when we're not. We're fragile when we don't want to be. And we're happy most of the time. I don't know anyone who lives in that cloud of pure, total and complete, jam a spoon down your throat, fucking happiness. Except for Heidi Klum and Seal... but I just read about them in the US weekly, so they don't count as people I know.

Anyway, stay strong little roots. I know I'm gonna do my best. And sometimes I'm gonna bitch and moan and cry and go take a trip to my dark place... but I always come out of it. At least I know that much...

Thanks for reading...

the rage and love, the story of my life...

My Occupy Wall Street Post...

I'm not starting with a song today. A lot of songs come to mind when I think about the last 2 months in downtown NYC. I may or may not bring them up throughout this post... we'll see.

I woke up this morning to a text from one of my best friends telling me to be careful going to work this morning because there was a lot of shit going on downtown. I immediately put the news on, trying to get a grasp of what was actually going on and what I was in for when I got off of the subway. When I turned on the TV, I was crushed. I obviously have not been occupying Wall Street. I work a few long blocks away from Zucotti Park. Honestly, before September 17th, I had no idea that park even existed. That sounds stupid, I'm aware. The thing is that I work in corporate America, but I am very disconnected. I just kind of go to work, and go home. I don't work within the stock exchange, I have no idea how to even invest in a stock. I choose to be like that. I am drained a million percent of the time and I don't have patience to deal with the stock market. Now I'm rambling.

When the protest first started, I'll admit, I was like "WHAT THE FUCK?" That was the beginning of day 3 for the protesters... it was a manic Monday morning for me. A day I already dread was now going to be even more dreadful with the thoughts of having to push my way through protesters to get to my job... I was oblivious on that Monday morning. But as the day went on, I wanted to know what was going on. I did some research. I opened my eyes to the streets around me and realized everything was barricaded. I opened my eyes and I wanted to know more. Days and weeks passed and I found myself wanting to read the paper to see what was going on. I searched every OWS website. I started following @OccupyWallStNYC. I opened my fucking eyes.

They stopped bitching and started a world wide revolution. They are brave. They are strong. The took an idea and made it a reality. So many of us are struggling. So. Many. Of. Us. I am a part of the 99%. And it ticks me off that my tax dollars are going to the bonuses of people who don't need or deserve it. That money, millions and millions of dollars, is going to people who don't do good with it. And that's fucking sad. I have a mortgage, a car loan, credit card bills, utilities, the usual. I have literally, NO savings. And yet, I give to every charity, my church AND I sponsor a little boy in Kenya. I recognize what I have and know that I am more fortunate than some. They are brave and strong and I respect them for what they've done so far. I've watched them and I know that fear guides me. I have serious anxiety issues and just watching this shit on TV makes my stomach scream. But to know that they did this. They started this and they plan on finishing it, and well I respect that. My ass isn't sleeping outside or fighting for OUR rights. And they've earned respect.

This morning when I turned on the news, I was shocked. Yes, things may have gotten a little out of hand there. Yes, it is unsanitary and the park did need to be cleaned. Yes, people have been joining in with the protest who have no business being there. The people who are taking advantage of the people fighting for a cause. That shit is not okay. And I get where Mayor Mike is coming from in that sense. But his responses to protest talk have been all over the place and completely inconsistent and I can understand why people are hating on him. What went on this morning was a raid and a half and it was sad to watch. I can't even imagine what it felt like being there.

My issue today is the ignorance. I was ignorant at the beginning, but I wanted to know more. I read a status update on Facebook stating that these people should have learned their lesson and should just go home. That no one cares, that the protest didn't work. My jaw literally dropped. It's close minded and ignorant. If you don't know about it, if you didn't do the research, don't make statements that you can't back up. I've learned that life is not only black and white... there is grey. The grey is where your mind will open. I know I can't walk around with blinders on, and that's why I finally took them off. How can you say the protest didn't work? It's world wide. WORLD. WIDE. And it's not over. Evicting them on the fly from Zucotti park, while people were probably sleepy and groggy, didn't change anything. It just moved them to a new spot. No one said "fuck this, guess we should go home." They stood their ground. And that's ballsy and awesome all at the same time.

Things need to change. They're fighting for us. For the people who struggle every single day. Telling a protester to go get a job is the lamest thing you can say. Has anyone sent out a resume recently? Even if you're qualified it doesn't matter. It's not easy to go out and get a job. That's the fucking problem. We are in the worst economy EVER. And it needs to get better. Shit needs to change. And they're fighting for that change. And they deserve respect.

Keep fighting the fight you guys. Keep it peaceful. Thank you for what you're doing. You're changing the world every day that you're doing this and it's fucking amazing...

Thanks for reading.

A Beautiful Mess...

well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write kind of turn themselves into knives... and don't mind my nerve you can call it fiction 'cause I like being submerged in your contradictions, dear...

It's been a weird couple of weeks. Weird is the word I'm using, because I'm not actually sure how to describe what I'm feeling. Weird works right now. As usual, I'm stuck in my mind. Feeling crappy one day and fabulous the next. When does this shit end? Like when do you start believing in yourself and believing that you've managed to create something substantial out of the crap hand you've been dealt? Because I need to start believing but I don't know where to begin. I feel like I can lift myself up and feel good about life, but there will always be something that I allow to bring me down. Well there's the problem, wow.

I need to stay on the up and up... and in the same breath I believe that life needs a balance of good and bad. But I need to learn how to let the good linger even when the bad comes around. I let the bad eat me alive so bad that it becomes my primary focus. And that's really shitty. I'm a good person, 90% of the time. I don't even know what I'm talking about so if you're not following, that's totally fine...

I'm just so tired of being a wreck. I haven't been sleeping. My back has been killing me lately. I'm just tired. So on a day like today where everything was good and then I had to be a jerk and look up my ex's profile on a dating website... sigh. Then I went ahead and actually read it. And now I'm pissed. I want to punch someone. Because everything he described, he had. With me. And I'm annoyed. Because this shit has consumed way too much of my life already. And seeing that shit, reading how he's looking for a serious loving relationship with a girl who is family oriented (me), outgoing (me) and self sufficient (me)... kinda fucking pissed me off. Like a lot.

I don't understand life. I really fucking don't. I have spent a lot of time concentrating on all the wrong things. But I can't stop. I'm like this horrible obsesser. I am wasting my life away on nonsense... but I feel like I can't stop. Like my brain can't turn off when it comes to all the wrong things. And the right things, well I just go ahead and take them for granted and potentially push them away because I have unsettled daddy issues and I instinctively create chaos around me so that people don't stick around and I can continue being the victim because I do it well. That's fucked up! But I can't help it. I can't stop. And I have to. I am just so fucking angry with this Casanova profile I read today. Because you had that you stupid asshole, and you threw me away like fucking garbage.

I just don't know anymore. What a mess. What a horrible mess. A beautiful mess. A beautiful disaster. I'm all those things. I'm not normal. I may look a little normal on the outside, but I'm a total abnormal, horrible wreck on the inside. I've made it work all these years, but I think it's catching up to me. I can't run from it anymore. It's here and I have to face it head on and change. And it may be great, it may suck. But I gotta push through the bullshit. I have to stop caring what everyone else is doing and start taking care of me. Because one of these days I'm going to implode and that's not going to be good. I don't wanna get to that point.

So for now, I'm gonna get back to work and finish watching Going the Distance. And tomorrow is going to be a new day. Clean slate. I'm going to forget about this lame-o profile and start fresh tomorrow. I can't make any promises, but I'm sure as shit gonna try...

Thanks for reading...

and what a beautiful mess this is... it's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes...

Sky...

sometimes I forget to love you like I should.. but I'd never leave you, no I never would, I never would...

My life. Where the hell do I begin? This talking in my sleep shit is getting out of control. My day started with a screaming match between me and special friend. 6 o'clock in the morning- screaming at each other. Because I said someone else's name while I was sleeping, again. I don't blame him for being mad but I have absolutely NO recollection of it. I'm SLEEPING.

So we screamed, and I cried, and I was late for work. And it sucked. And he blamed himself. Saying he was insecure and just got upset. I told him to stop it. That this whole situation is my fault. I'm horrible. I'm the black widow spider. I kill every damn thing that crosses my path. I'm the worst. But I apologized and spent the whole day sulking.

Then it dawned on me, "What the fuck are you doing?" came to my mind. I'm losing my mind for NO reason. I have the perfect guy. I am officially cutting the crap now. Enough is enough. I have no reason to be acting like an asshole. And so that stops today. I am on the straight and narrow from here on out. I'm gonna go out and have fun, but no more nonsense. Really, this is stupid.

It has been a hell of a damn day. My ribs are killing me because I got a tattoo yesterday. My computer desk broke and is now being held together with duct tape. I fell asleep at my desk a few times. Allergies are killing my eyes and nose. But whatever. It's one bad day. I'm not going to let it get to me. Tomorrow is a new day. My day started off horribly, but everything seems perfectly clear right now. I've been searching for clarity and I feel like I got it today. I could potentially ruin my life and my relationship if I don't cut the crap. And I don't want that. I don't ever want to be without special friend.

So maybe, nothing is by accident. Maybe everything does happen for a reason. And maybe I needed a kick in the ass. Maybe I needed to see how much I had to lose, even though I knew all of it already. But sometimes, you just need to see it crash and stop it before it burns. That's what happened this morning. I love special friend with all of my heart and I know that no one could ever love me the way that he does. And I'm grateful. The last couple of months have been rough in this brain of mine, and I thought I could deal, but now that it's affecting my special friend who doesn't deserve it, I realize that I can't deal. And so I have to change.

That's all for now.

Thanks for reading...

open my eyes... I see sky...

Oh Glory...

I can only hope it's true enough that ever little thing I do for love redeems me from the moments I deem worthy of the worst things that I've done and saves me from myself at times of envy when I'm missing everyone...

It's been a long time since I sat down to write what's going on in my head. Almost two months. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but I'm here now. I haven't really had the time to sit down and write out what I think about all day long because the thoughts are so rapid. They come and go so quickly these days and my mushy brain is too tired to force the thoughts out from my fingers. So I'm doing this today. I'm doing the writing because I need to. On the outside I probably look fine... but on the inside I am tearing apart. I feel like each piece of me is being picked apart. Whether it is anxiety or guilt or any other negative feeling eating me away, it's there. And it's kicking my ass.

I have been irresponsible with my actions. I feel like I'm going back in time. I make excuses for my reckless behavior. It's sad really. I'm fighting with my head and my heart. I'm fighting with what's right and what's wrong. There seems to be a very thin line and I'm having a hard time finding it. It's weird how I manage to straddle this invisible line though. I can't see it, but I know it's there. And I push my boundaries. I try my best not to be me. I drink myself into an oblivion because I need to get out of my mind. That sounds pretty sad. I don't think I'm pathetic in that sense. I only drink myself into oblivion on Saturday nights, but still. That sounded really fucking pathetic.

The fact is that every day I need to be 100% for everyone but me. And so when I get the opportunity to vacate the premises, I do so as quickly as possible. I feel like someone is always asking me to be present. To be there for them. And of course I don't mind, that's who I am. I will help anyone who asks. But I'm losing my shit. So when I act like an asshole, or I do something that's not like me at all, I don't feel that I have to explain myself. I am human and I feel and I need and I have all the shit going on within me that everyone else is always asking for help with.

My sleep patterns have been completely out of whack these days. Calling out names in my sleep. Asking men who are not my boyfriend to marry me. Telling my boyfriend that so and so is hot and I wanna do bad things to him. I'm not even that clear when I'm awake, now I'm fucking blabbing shit out in my sleep. Special friend left the house a few mornings in a very bad mood because of me. Truth is, I have no idea I'm doing it, I just wish I would shut the fuck up. Because now I'm actually losing sleep because I'm scared to death of what I might say that might upset him. What a mess. I am the black widow spider, spinning a web of horror. Jeez.

My life is not perfect. It's not. It may look like it, but it's not. I am grateful for everything I have. I really am. I know that I am lucky when it comes to how my life panned out. I am lucky to be alive considering the amount of shit I got myself into years ago. I'm lucky I kicked the drug habit. I'm lucky that I have someone who gives a shit about me even when I'm the biggest asshole on the planet. But when I have to be 100% and constantly keep it together, I feel like that's when I unravel. Don't get me wrong, I feel terrible about my immaturity, but I lose my shit sometimes and I need for people to be okay with that. I don't need to explain myself to anyone. End of the day, I have to live with me. I have to live with this constant thought pattern that exhausts me. I have every right to be human.

Everyone has an opinion. Everyone has something to say. But the truth is that if I'm there for you, I'm there for you 1,000%. I will give you every ounce of me. Every. Ounce. Until you totally wear out your welcome in my brain and even then, I would never tell you to leave me alone. I would still give you everything I've got. So sometimes, when I'm not getting that in return, I do what I wanna do. Whatever it may be. Now I'm rambling. And I'm still tired. And I'm not even sure what point I was trying to make... Sigh.

Anyway, this post was a mess. But so is my life lately, so why not go with the flow. Thanks for reading. Sorry I'm all over the place right now. I didn't sleep at all last night, I'm a little out of it.

if I wake in the morning I only need two more miracles to be a saint... everything I promised everyone I'd be, well I just ain't...

Paperweight...

paperweight on my back... cover me like a blanket... mess up my bed with me... kick off the covers...

Happy friggin' Monday... I'm in a rut. Not a big fat rut. Just a little rut. But a rut, no less. What's new, right? I always have emotional turmoil going on in my head... it's how I function. The truth is, I don't know any other way to be. Chaos in my mind makes complete sense to me. I don't know what I would do if something wasn't bouncing around up there. Is it too much? I have no idea. I feel like everyone has some shit going on, so I know I'm not completely crazy. It's just hard to function because I don't know what I want. I mean, I think I know... but pushing that thought further only makes me tired. I can give anyone else advice, come to me for free therapy! But when it comes to managing my shit, I hit the snooze button as many times as I can. 5 more minutes please...

I'm trying to clear out the clutter in my life. Yet another thing that makes me crazy. I surround myself with music, movies and books and then I get pissed when I have nowhere to put them in a studio apartment... Hello, I'm a moron. If you wanna buy my shit, feel free to browse here http://shops.half.ebay.com/leejay824_W0QQ_trksidZp2919. If not, no biggie. I just need to remove the clutter. Even though I'm sitting here looking at a laundry bag filled with clean clothes that need to be put away, bills that I haven't opened yet or opened but didn't look at yet because I was running out the door as quick as I came in, a box of clothes that need to be posted on eBay but I'm too lazy to write explanations... and I'm complaining about clutter. Oh, and dishes need to be washed as well.

I'm getting rid of the Feng Shui books. Fuck that shit. I live in a studio apartment, how the fuck am I going to move the stove to a place that will change the fucking universe and fix my financial situation?! It fits in ONE spot in the kitchen, that's where it's staying. I don't understand how people live by that stuff. I've been to a house or two that has literally nothing in it. Yea, mine is jammed with shit, but it's fun stuff that makes me smile. Mementos collecting dust, but they're memories of a time when life was simple. So how do you live without anything so that the sun can hit something a certain way that will change your life? How the fuck do you live like that? Maybe I'm a pack rat, but I'm not hoarder status, YET. If I get to that point do one of two things... 1. Shoot me OR 2. At least make us some money and get us on one of the Hoarders show... hey, my crazy can be your gain too. I'm so generous.

Anyway, life is breezing on by like it always does. It's August. I need to up my alcoholism before the summer is done. That's all I want. To be drunk for one night so I can dance like no one is watching and laugh my ass off. I'll deal with the bullshit the next morning. Hungover at 3o is no fucking fun, but most of the time it's worth it. I just want to be someone other than me sometimes. I'm such a fucking downer during the week. But a little beer changes all that shit. I'm not an alcoholic, but trust me, if that was an actual profession, I would change careers INSTANTLY. Let me know if Career Builders ever posts that on their site pleaseandthankyou.

I guess that's all for today. Just felt like writing. Special friend will be home soon, that makes me happy. He was working some DUMB schedule for like a month and we never got to see each other. Now we are back to some normal working hours, so I can't wait to be awake to see him walk in the door. I hope everyone is having an OK Monday... doesn't have to be great, it's almost over.

Thanks for reading...

you made it back to sleep again... wonder what you're dreaming...

Fuckin' Perfect...

mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood, miss, no way it's all good, it didn't slow me down... mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated, look I'm still around...

I'm sitting here watching a Jersey Shore marathon. Please don't hate me. It's like a train wreck, I can't turn away. I am grateful every single day that I have more brain cells than these people. And maybe, even happier that I was never in a relationship like Sam and Ron. Glad I don't know anyone like the Situation, because I would punch him in the face every single day of my life if I did. I do think that me and Pauly D would get along... that dude is fucking riot. But, I did not sit here to talk about the Jersey Shore.

Something is seriously wrong with me. If you haven't figured that out yet by reading this blog, then I'm telling you right now. I have issues. I'm a dick. I am a hopeless romantic, but I want what I see in my thoughts. If it doesn't pan out like that, then I don't want it. I hate surprises when it comes to love. I always have an ulterior motive. Always happy about the relationship I'm in and yet always planning my escape. I love with my whole heart and let people stomp on it whole heartedly, but I have these crazy thoughts constantly running through my head. I'm scared to commit. The word forever and all that it means scares the absolute shit out of me. It's like as I'm getting older, I'm getting dumber and more immature. Hello regression.

So what do I do? How do I stop playing with fire when sometimes it feels so damn good? I don't want to get burned so bad that I ruin my whole life, but a few little burns don't seem to scare me into reality. I'm a mess. What if I commit to forever and realize that I'm not happy? It happens. In fact, it happens everyday. What if I'm not the girl who really wants stability? What am I thinking? I don't know anymore. I feel like my whole life has been me searching for acceptance and clarity but I only end up turning it into a clusterfuck when I finally get there. It's sick really. This isn't right. I don't trust myself. I am so completely backwards in my thinking lately and it's scary.

I know I'm not the only one out there who thinks this way. We all have our demons. It's how we give into them that really makes us who we are and different from everyone else. I don't have to let my imagination get the best of me. I can think in the now and live here and now and not worry about what will come tomorrow... but I'm not that girl. I can't shut off the ideas that flow in and out of my brain every day. I feel like if I'm feeling that way, it's for a reason. That somehow someone is trying to tell me something and stop me from doing something that is going to change me in a way that I won't like. OR, maybe I'm just a fucking idiot. Destined to live this life listening to bullshit thoughts and end up alone.

I just don't know anymore. And that's why it is so much easier to watch a train wreck like the Jersey Shore on TV because my brain goes completely numb. I don't have to think about me when I'm watching these idiots act like a bunch of animals. Makes me feel good about myself. I know I'm not perfect. I am so far from it. But I make it work. I keep things stable when they need to be. No one knows the emotional turmoil I deal with on a daily basis. They don't need that shit. Plus, I can't even explain it. It happens and then fades away. It would be stupid to sit down and tell someone how I'm feeling because chances are, tomorrow it will change.

There's so much shit going on in the world that I have to just keep my life slow and steady. I'm not rushing into anything with anyone. I have been with special friend for a long time and our relationship is great. And there is no reason to rush beyond what I know about it. We are good together. He's the yin to my yang. He balances out my craziness and I love him. And as long as he's around, I feel like I'll be alright. Let's just pray to sweet baby Jesus that I don't scare him away...

Thanks for reading...

pretty, pretty please don't you ever, ever feel like you're less than fuckin' perfect...

Always...

I'm a fly that's trapped in a web but I'm thinking that my spider's dead... lonely, lonely little life, I could kid myself by thinking that I'm fine...

I wish that my posts weren't so blah. I wish I had some great shit to tell you, but I don't. I'm crawling in my skin this week. PMS hits me hard. I'm a cranky pants. Can't get dressed like a normal human being. Walked in my house and it was covered in clothes. Had to think for a minute and remembered that I did that this morning while trying to get dressed for work. Showed up about an hour late. I just can't motivate lately. This week I know it's PMS, what will be my excuse next week?

I am so tired of this mundane, every day shit. It's so not me. I sit at my desk sometimes and go "what the fuck am I doing here?" I need more. But the truth is that my job pays the bills. And I swear to God, if one more person tells me "if it were supposed to be fun they wouldn't call it WORK" I'm going to scream. Because there are a lot of people out there who absolutely love what they do. I am not one of those people and it's getting to me.

I'm 30. I need to make some changes. But I'm so damn tired. I don't want to go back to school. I already don't have enough time in my day, now I'm going to add school and studying to the mix? Oh hell no. I will die. I love sleep. It's my thing. And to just throw caution (and money I don't have thankyouverymuch) to the wind is not something I like to do when the end result carries no guarantees. I need guarantees and unfortunately, life doesn't give them out.

I want to be a writer. That's what I want. I want to write for a living. I have 2 screenplays that need to be finished but I'm so damn afraid of failing that I let them sit on my computer and don't go near them. But when I write, I feel alive. My brain does things that it never gets to do. Writing moves me. Its something that I love doing. But how do I make a mortgage payment with writing? Everybody is a writer now. You don't even have to be good at it. So what makes me special? I need to bring something to the table and I'm so afraid that what I possess will never be enough.

That's lame and I sound like a coward, trust me, I know. It's annoying as hell. But I need to do it. I need to finish at least one of the screenplays before the summer ends. The one that I'm really focusing on is brilliant. At least I think it is. But what the hell do I know? I'm not some artsy fartsy film student. AND, I don't have six grand to become an artsy fartsy film student. I am me. That's it. That's all I've got. Some days it's enough, and some days it holds me back. But I know I need to do this. I need to push forward and get out of this rut. I've said it too many times and I just can't do this anymore. I want more. I deserve more. I can't always be the girl watching everything happen around me and never doing anything with it.

I'm going to do it. And it's going to be brilliant. I need to keep pounding that into my own head. I know that what I've created is special, I just have to make other people see it... unfortunately, that's the hard part...

Anyway, thanks for reading...

I'm the light blinking at the end of the road... blink back to let me know...

Sunday Morning...

I know who I am but who are you? you're not looking like you used to... you're on the other side of the mirror so nothing's looking quite as clear... thank you for turning on the lights... thank you now you're the parasite... I didn't think you had it in you...

There are quite a few things that bother me. I'm a pretty easy going person, but once you get on my bad side, its usually incredibly hard to get yourself off of it. I don't like being that way. I am Italian, it's in my blood to forgive but not forget. I wish I could turn that part of my brain off sometimes because I don't particularly like being like that. But on the other hand, I don't mind being cynical. I don't enjoy being bitchy, but I really don't forget anything bad. It is THE most annoying character flaw anyone can possess, and here I am possessing it.

I try and tell myself that I need to cut the shit, but some things really get under my fucking skin. Like the new Google search, for example. Why oh why did they have to change it? Every damn time I go to search for something, I type in ONE FUCKING LETTER, and Google decides that it is a fucking mind reader and gives me what I MIGHT be thinking about based on the first letter. Google is all "I can name that search in ONE LETTER" getting all Name That Tune on me. Anyway, I will forgive, but I will not forget Google. You're fucking annoying these days. Just because I type in R doesn't mean I give a fuck about Rebecca Black. GRRRR.

Obviously, I didn't sit here with my 16 ounce Coors Light to discuss my issues with Google, but I was just giving you examples, you know, because I'm cool like that. I am sitting here in my little apartment. My tiny slice of the American Dream. And I am so completely happy to be here. It's me and the cat, chilling and relaxing. Couldn't ask for anything more right now. Not too long ago I was told that I work too many hours and that I don't really LIVE my life. And I felt so completely miserable being told that. I believe I live my life. I do what I want, when I want. And for a while I actually started to believe my life was shit. That I didn't make a shitload of money and had to work like a dog and that I would never amount to anything if I kept going at that pace. But the truth is that I am happy. I am. I go through spurts of hating life, but that's just to keep the balance. You can't be happy every single second of every single day. And if you are, you're lying to yourself. You have to have a balance of emotions. That's my opinion, doesn't mean I'm right.

I just hate when people feel the need to brag about how great life is and rub it in your face if yours isn't exactly like theirs. It gets under my skin. I don't think it's a jealousy thing, but I could be wrong. I just feel that no matter what you have in this life, you should recognize where you came from. You should recognize that no matter what you possess, there are others out there who have less than you. That no matter how great everything seems, there is way more going on than the facade. I just don't like when people feel the need to brag. It really takes the beauty out of it. And so my life may be a little shitty life compared to yours, but I'm happy with it. I know who I am and where I came from. I know I have overcome more shit than some people see in one life time and I know I've only seen a fraction of what others have seen.

I hope everyone is having a great 4th of July weekend. I hope you are doing things with people you care about. I hope you are out there doing whatever makes you happy. I'm all about supporting decisions as long as it makes you happy. So I'm on your side. Just don't fuck with me. Then you have one less person on your side. And just for the record, I'm a really rad person to have on your side.

Thanks for reading...

I thought I knew you... but I've got a new view... I thought I knew you well... oh well...

Trade Mistakes...

I fill the room in this body... deserted, my organs can go on without me... you can't fly these wings... you can't sleep in this box with me... let me save you hold this rope...

This has been a heck of a week. Like seriously, a HECK of a week. Emotions have run the gamut. I have gone from high to low and back to high again. That's cool with me. Emotions mean that I still feel. That I am alive. That I am blessed even when I think the world is crumbling around me. I take the bad and I try to see the good in it. And yea, I'm gonna go ahead and give myself credit for that. Everything does happen for a reason. I will always believe that no matter what anyone says.

I am getting to the point in my life where I am seeing everything for exactly what it is. Including myself. I am crazy. I know it. I embrace it. Everybody's got a little crazy in them. It's embracing the normal crazy that provides personal victory. I am a lunatic, but I'm not like anyone else you've ever met and that makes me feel good on a really bad day. That probably sounds so lame, but my struggles have made me this person. And my struggles don't define me, but they brought me here and I'm proud I made it. And I believe that anyone who makes it through a personal struggle or a life time of struggles should be a little proud of themselves. You get to do that much.

What I don't like is being tested. I don't like when people test me and my boundaries. I don't like when people say things to see what my reaction will be. To test me is to push me away. It's when you say something and your only reason for saying it is to see what my reaction will be, then you're a jerk. I don't test people anymore. I did that shit when I was a teenager and it NEVER worked out right. I realized how stupid I was for doing that. If you want something, just say it. Don't test people. It pushes them away. It's a fact at this point in my life.

This week was a heck of a week. It made me realize that there is so much more to life than what I've been dealing with. It made me realize that no matter what, someone will always find ways to blame you for shit that happens in their lives. And it made me realize that I have some of the most wonderful people in my life and I am truly blessed. I am not saying that just to say it. It's the people in my life who make me happy that deserve my attention and emotion. It's the people who keep me in check. It's the new babies, sister date nights, friend graduating with her masters degree, awesome dress rehearsals, upcoming recitals showcasing all the hard work for the last 9 months, conversation with friends and being loved that make me realize how wonderful life can be. I can live without the drama and the unspoken words and the reasons for being mad at me that are so stupid they don't even make sense.

I am human and I make mistakes. I am far from perfect, but never EVER claim to be. And as long as I keep making mistakes and taking everything for exactly what it is, then I know I'm going to keep on keeping on. It's the only way I know how...

Thanks for reading...

I am an anchor, sinking on...

Memories...

when July became December, their affection fought the cold... but they couldn't quite remember, what inspired them to go... and it was beautifully depressing like a street car named Desire... they were fighting for their love, it started growing tired...

Life is kicking my ass these days. I don't like admitting that. But it seems something's gotten the best of me and I have no idea what it is. It's frustrating beyond belief. I'm struggling. Every single day, I have to dig deep into my guts to find my smile. Memories of my past flood my brain. They won't stop. All the what ifs and the what could be's are killing me. They are draining every single ounce of strength out of me. I am losing my patience. I am losing my ability to keep my head up. Everything feels so incredibly heavy and I'm tired.

I don't know what to do. I really don't. I know that my job doesn't make me happy, but I'm not one to quit and take my chances. I have a mortgage, it's not realistic. My relationship is probably failing since I have the ability to ruin the best things in my life. The black cloud that follows me eventually takes its toll and it starts to spread out on the men I manage to suck into this vortex of hell that is me. I manage to magically change the happiest into the most miserable. Jesus Christ. I really don't wanna be that fucking girl.

I just ruin everything. I really do. I don't have the mental capacity to deal with everyday mundane bullshit. The Pisces in me is scared to death of the same fucking thing every damn day. I am so completely scared. I am cynical. I am wary of people. I don't trust people any more. I believe that everyone has an agenda. And I am not willing to give up who I am for someone who can't do the same for me. I am just scared. I don't want to be nagged. I don't want to be told what to do. I don't want advice. I don't even wanna fucking talk anymore. I just want quiet. I don't wanna be told how horrible I am because I don't wanna have sex. I don't wanna be told I need to work faster because there was a supposed meeting that I wasn't involved in that pushed my deadlines to fucking yesterday. I just want quiet. I don't even know who the hell I am anymore. I really don't. I'm tired. I'm a liar and a bitch. I am all of those bad things and I don't deserve to be happy. I am a black widow spider. I just can't deal with anything anymore.

I just want everything to stop for two seconds so I can catch my breath. Everything is so NOW NOW RIGHT FUCKING NOW and it's frustrating. I was never the girl that couldn't catch up and now I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of nonsense. What am I fighting for? Why am I so angry? I don't know. I am just tired. Tired of having to prove myself when I know I'm better than that. It's exhausting. And I'm exhausted. I just wanna be happy. And I'm so afraid that I will never get there. I'm so afraid that I'm gonna push everyone away. I'm just all over the place today and I just need a few seconds to get my bearings. And at this moment in time I feel like I'm asking for too much. That my requests are going to wear the people I love down. That I'm going to inadvertently end up hurting someone while trying to slow the madness down. And so I sit here and write this out because it's been eating me alive all day. I can't stop this defective carousel from spinning and it's frustrating.

Hopefully tomorrow will be an upper, today was a downer and a half...

oh Memories,where'd you go? you were all I've ever known... how I miss yesterday... how'd I let it fade away? don't fade away...

Thanks for reading...

I and Love and You...

When at first I learned to speak I used all my words to fight... With him and her and you and me, but it's just a waste of time... Yea it's such a waste of time...

I am a fighter, not a lover. I spend my time fighting for what I need and what. I fight for the ones I love. I fight with myself on a daily basis trying so hard to understand what I need and want. Everyday is a struggle because I have no clue...

When I think about all the time that was wasted on pointless bullshit, I feel like an asshole and I push the rest of the world away as I try to bring myself back to feeling ok. I am agitated today, wasting a lot of my awake time thinking about what a bitch I am and how I am horrible and deserve nothing. When I feel like everything is alright and I haven't done anything wrong, it is then that I realize that I have unconsciously hurt someone somehow, and that annoys the shit outta me.

And so today is gonna be one of those days where I smile on the outside but my heart is in agony. Wondering how I manage to fuck up even when I think I'm good. And it's going to be one of those days where I keep to myself because the fight in my head is taking over my whole body and I can't spend the day crying at my desk.

The fighter in me has pushed people away because I was stubborn and couldn't hurt my pride. But I'm wondering now if the fight was worth it. Because I am the one agonizing over this, and its eating me alive. The need to prove how strong I am has made me weak. Today is a day where I feel the agony of defeat. Where everything in my head doesn't make sense. And I miss him more than I knew I could and I wish I didn't. And I wonder if he misses me too. And it's going to be a day where I know I could have been happy but I was too proud to let someone get the best of me.

So that's all for now...

Thanks for reading...

Three words that became hard to say...I and Love and You...

Don't You Remember...

I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness and a wandering eye and a heaviness in my head... But don't you remember the reason you loved me before...

Ah, ya gotta love the curveballs in life... That's what I keep telling myself. That's what I tell myself to try to get back to a normal state of mind... Whatever the fuck that is... What's great about curveballs is that they always hit me square in the guts... Like, really fucking hard.

I have been good for a while. But as usual that feeling never stays. There is ALWAYS another shoe ready to drop. You would think I wouldn't be so surprised anymore, but I guess my head is so jam packed with bullshit that I don't have the brain capacity to remember the last time I felt another emotion besides completely fucking exhausted. And then we factor in social networking sites and bam! It's a perfect curveball coming at me. Curveballs into the guts or shoes dropping, whatever metaphor works better for you...Yes ladies and gents, a picture of the ex managed to knock me over.

My issue here is that I harbor these feelings for him and I'm not even sure if they are good or bad anymore. I see his smile and I miss him but at the same time I get so upset that he's happy. I get angry that his life is normal and not total and complete fucking chaos like mine. That if I had just kept my mouth shut about marriage at 25 we would have worked out. And I know that I am craving clarity and that's why its easy to say that everything would have been great if we had just worked it out 4 years ago... I want to see him and tell him I'm sorry and that I was a stupid girl and I'm different now... But that's not true. I'm the same strong willed me, just a few years older and less willing to change who I am...

Now I am all over the place with emotions. Feeling the cravings for nesting and being a mom and the fairytale and all that bullshit. And I want the life I dreamt of. I want it and it's shattered and I have been trying to put the pieces back together ever since. It's just so incredibly sad to me that I have a good life with so much to be grateful for and I waste my time wondering what "could have been"...

Just had to push this out of the pile of mush formerly known as my brain. Life is good, but I have to live in right now, not then...

Thanks for reading...

I often think about where I went wrong... The more I do, the less I know...

Ill With Want...

temporary is my time... ain't nothin on this world that's mine... except the will I found to carry on... free is not your right to choose... it's answering what's asked of you... to give the love you find until it's gone...

This has been a rough couple of months. I turned Dirty 30, totally fucking awesome. Really, I had the best night of my whole life. It was rad and I'm so happy. I drank out of a huge goblet, was tricked into doing shots of whiskey and I didn't puke, pass out or cry. Epic fucking win. But back here in reality, I am having a hard time. Not that I can't deal, it's just that reality is annoying the shit out of me lately. Like, I really wanna scream at people.

I had surgery last week on my deviated septum. Best shit ever. It's annoying now because it's healing inside and itchy, but I can breathe and that's a HUGE bonus. I was scared to death to do it and it was for no reason, I feel awesome health-wise. Haven't smoked since right before surgery, feeling good in the lung department as well. What I'm having a problem with is humanity in general. The need for instant gratification is so fucking aggravating that I feel like I'm losing my mind. I am one person. I'm not trying to play martyr here, but really, I am one, very small person in this great big world. And to expect shit from me and give a nasty response when I don't deliver instantly only pisses me off and makes me shut down. It makes me not want to do things for people. It makes me not want to talk to you. It makes me want to throw the phone across the room.

I'm over worked in every aspect of my life and it's frustrating. Especially when I'm trying to get to good. I'm tired of being asked what I want in my future. I don't know. I can't predict shit. I was just gonna ride this life thing out and see where it takes me. And I hate when people say that I control my destiny and that I can't just sit back and let life guide me. I used to say that too, and I could smack myself for saying it. That's such a fucking new wavey thing to say... you control your destiny... seize the day! I trust what I trust and believe with my whole heart that everything in this life happens for a reason. You read the signs and get to the next phase. But since everyone wants an answer RIGHT FUCKING NOW, it's a little difficult to explain my theory of seeing where life is gonna take me next.

Anyway, I'm ok for once. I'm not anxious, haven't had a migraine in a week, been sleeping well, haven't smoked, once my nose heals I'm going to start running every day. So far so good. I'm just tired of the questions that I don't have answers to right now. And I'm tired of the bullshit attitudes that follow when I don't have an answer. I am human and I'm still trying to put myself together. Just pump the brakes a bit. I don't know, maybe I sound like a fucking bitch, but I need me to be ok. I have to live with me for the rest of my life, and I just need me to be ok...

Thanks for reading...

ill with want and poisoned by this ugly greed...

Let The Music Play...

there's a song that you can find in every moment of your life... in every tear you've ever cried... in every painful last goodbye... so when the system breaks you down, just listen to the sound...

I'm losing my fight. I'm not fighting with anyone in particular... I'm just losing the fight in me. Like I'm too tired to fight back anymore. I have been sick for 4 weeks. FOUR weeks. That's too fucking long in my book. WAY too fucking long. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning because it feels like someone kicked my ass while I was sleeping. I wake up with my pajama pants around my boobs and twisted to the side, hair is a fucking birds nest and I'm thinking "What the FUCK went on while I was sleeping??" I check to make sure the cat is alive and well, he is. Then I dawdle while picking out clothes, already an hour late to work. Listening to the trains pass behind my building and wonder which one I will finally get on. Sigh.

Life is kicking my ass right now. I have no time to mend my illness because I am too busy with work. Again, I am not doing anything for the greater good. I am a slave to piles of paper that won't go away. I come home and it's the same shit. While continuing paperwork that I had to take home because of stupid deadlines, I have the bitch downstairs banging shit on the ceiling when I talk too loud. I'm losing my mind. I just want it all to stop. Seriously, I'm gonna lose my mind.

But I have great people around me who love me and so I'm grateful for that. I am just trying to get better because I feel like ass. Dirty 30 is TEN days away people! TEN! And I am so fucking excited because it's gonna be an awesome couple of days of celebration with my favorite people on the planet and so that is getting me through all this bullshit. But it really is time for a life evaluation here. I am one fucking person with the whole entire world on her shoulders every day. I do it to myself. I make myself available and I let people walk all over me. But I've come to the conclusion that I am not desperate enough to let people take complete advantage of me... I'm getting into a "Fuck it" kinda mode where I really don't care about work. They need me. That sounds shallow, but they do.

Anyway, I said 2011 was gonna be my year and I'm determined to make it so. This is a new decade of life and I'm ready for it. I am ready to embrace it and start standing up for myself. It only took me forever, but it's time. I am so tired. I plug in my ear buds and I tune everyone out. I live by the soundtrack of my day. I start off fresh in the morning doing my best to make sure it's a good day. Sometimes it is, sometimes not so much. But if I end the day smiling, it's all gravy.

what do I do when it's all been done... when the words have all been sung... and I've given up the best of me... let the music play...

Thanks for reading...

Kings and Queens...

the age of man is over... a darkness comes and all... these lessons that we've learned here have only just begun... we were the kings and queens of promise... we were the victims of ourselves... maybe the children of a lesser God between heaven and hell...

Today kiddies... today is exactly ONE MONTH until Dirty 30. My general attitude about it is changing. I am actually less afraid and more excited. I'm excited about a fresh new decade of life for me. Maybe a more mature one. Maybe not. I have been putting a lot of pressure on 30 and I'm not really sure why. It's not that serious. The only thing that freaks me out is if I will have enough eggs to produce children someday, but I'm not ready to be a mom yet, so there's that.

I have been working like a damn dog. For what? I have no idea. I guess just because it's my job and that's how I roll. And people keep telling me its just a job... Ok. Yea it's just a job, but it's my job and I can't afford to lose it right now. Not to mention, I have been with the company for 6+ years. These people know me and accept me for who I am. Yea they pile on the work and maybe take just a wee bit advantage of me, but it's not like I work for free. I get paid time and a half for any extra work. Whatever. Why am I explaining this here?! Anyway, I don't know of anybody who can just live off the land and not work. So why do people keep telling me that I'm not "living" by working this much? If I had a husband and children and I was working this much, then yes, I have a problem. But I am a single girl supporting HERSELF. I depend on me and I wouldn't have it any other way. When I come home everyday and walk into my apartment, I know it's mine. I owe no one for my accomplishments and my wants and needs and that is enough for me to get my ass on that train every morning and have them pile on the work.

It's so easy for people to tell you how you should be living your life. I am guilty of it myself. As humans we care about people. We want people to see the good in themselves that we see. We get defensive when someone says something about someone we care about. I get it. It's human nature to want to defend someone you love. I don't see anything wrong with my life at this moment in time. I work a lot because I figure I should because I can right now. So many people are unemployed in this economy right now that I don't see myself going "Fuck it, I quit." I can't possibly imagine what would bring me to that point right now, but I'll let you know if I think of anything. Also, I think that I secretly thrive on insanity... but that's a whole other blog post in and of itself...

3 days before my Dirty 30 celebration I want to be in San Francisco. It's my favorite city in the USA. I was so excited, ready to book a trip last night and special friend shot it down. And I'm a little mad about it because it's my 30th birthday and I'm gonna be the one paying for it anyway (let's be honest here). He's like "you don't think that'll be too much right before your birthday weekend?" NOOOOO. I want a Ghiradelli ice cream sundae FROM Ghiradelli for my 30th birthday. I wanna eat fucking lobster at one of the restaurants on the Fisherman's Wharf. My idea has been shot down, but that does NOT mean I won't be on that plane... I'll keep you posted... I am usually impulsive so this may happen...

Anyway, I'm tired of hearing the sounds of snow blowers and shovels. We are buried alive in the NYC again. I think there's about a foot outside, but I don't care. I walk places in snow drifts so once my blood rises to cabin fever mode I will just take a walk somewhere. Plug in the music and walk in the beautiful white outside. It's usually the only time in the NYC when it's 90% quieter than usual and that's huge. Cars aren't driving so fast, everyone slows down a bit. Then the day after the blizzard everyone is back to being in a rush and splashing black mushy snow everywhere in their douchebag SUV's that are always more important than everyone else... so I'm going to enjoy today while I can. Before all the "more important" assholes come out of the woodwork tomorrow.

Hope everyone is having a lovely day!

Thanks for reading...

we are the kings... we are the queens...

Viva La Vida...

it was the wicked and wild wind, blew down the doors to let me in... shattered windows and the sound of drums, people couldn't believe what I'd become...

It's 2011. Twenty friggin eleven. I'm still trying to process it. It's 16 days in and I still haven't fully accepted it. I'm going to be Dirty 30 in a month and 11 days. Life is crazy. THIRTY. Mother of pearl. Sigh.

New me, new blog this year. I don't wanna look at my old posts. Sad and pathetic me. Blah blah blah. I won't do it. Yes I will use the blog to vent frustrations, but I'm gonna try to keep it light hearted this time around. I am not going to have my 30's end up like my 20's where I spent a lot of time having pity parties for myself.

The end of 2010 really messed with me and so I'm feeling a little wiser today. I got sucker punched in my guts a bunch up until the very last day of 2010, so I'm not going that route this year. At least I'm sure as fuck gonna try not to go there. But, I am an ever changing lunatic and so we'll see in a few months what happens.

Anyway, this is it. The tales of me. Hope I give you some goodies this year. But we'll see what happens. So far 2011 has been kicking my little ass, but I'm going to change that this year. I'm not trying to put any pressure on the new year, but shit has to change. And I have faith that it will.

Happy New Year! Here's to 2011!

Thanks for reading!