Will any of us ever really be happy? I have been struggling with this question for a very long time. Maybe even my lifetime so far. And maybe that struggle won't ever stop. It's a tough question to go back and forth with because there is no answer. There's no right or wrong. It just is what it is. You can't do research on it. It's just this question that hangs there, waiting for an answer that will never be.
I come from a broken home. It was better off, trust me. My parents are two very strong personalities and if they had stayed together, one of them wouldn't have made it out alive. That's a fact. You put two hot heads in a marriage and it's bound to end up in disaster. All good. I'm strong like bull because of it. On the outside at least. On the inside, I'm a 30 year old mess. A beautiful mess, but a mess. And I'm messy and fucking complicated and I hate spending time alone when my mind has time to drift into crazy-ville and I have time to think. It's horrible. It's torture actually. I spend most of my alone time beating myself up for my mistakes, regretting some (read: all) of the stupid things I've done in the past few years, crying about how I'm not happy, I have no money, I'm surrounded in bills, I have a shitty downstairs neighbor that aggravates my whole fucking life... you know, the usual.
I'm 30 years old and I'm not married. I choose that. I have to pay for my own wedding. Momma said, and I quote, "I'm not paying for your wedding. I paid for everything in your life so you're father could fucking spring for your wedding. It'll be the only thing he ever fucking paid for." Which means, in retrospect, that I'm going to have to pay for my own wedding. So unless someone is throwing me a benefit, that's not happening any time soon. I refuse to settle when it comes to that. I'm a typical cliche girl who has dreamt about it her whole life, give or take a few years, and I'm not having a wedding that I won't love or isn't exactly what I want. That sounds lame I'm sure, but whatever. It's just one more excuse to not get married right now. I come from a broken home, and I'm hopeless when it comes to this lifetime commitment shit. I have a great special friend in my life, it's working right now, I don't want to head down the aisle until I know that I will be okay. I am not about to ruin his life...
Everything is so uncertain around me, it's hard to get my bearings sometimes. I rely so heavily on what my heart tells me to do and when my brain catches up it basically tells me to go fuck myself. And when that happens, I go to the dark place where I cry about bullshit because that's what I need to do. Special friend and I had a talk the other day about how I've been talking in my sleep. I've been in a really dark place because of it. Scared to go to sleep, don't want to wake up to a mad special friend. It's like I can't win either way. And so I said I would go to therapy to try and fix it. He doesn't offer to do it, just says that I should go. The other day it dawned on him that this really isn't my issue, it's his. Because I have absolutely no clue that I'm doing it and I have no recollection of it when I wake up... I just know it happened because he's pissed. He told me he doesn't want me to go to therapy. He knows how much I love him and he's not going to let this bullshit ruin our relationship. It felt good to hear him say it. Because I was hanging out in that really murky place for a few weeks and was starting to really hate myself.
I'm in the process of weaning off the anxiety meds. What a pain in the ass. I get these zaps, as I like to call them. They are like split second nerve zaps that happen way to many fucking times a day. And of course I googled it (yes, I googled "nerve zaps") and found that it's a direct reaction to lowering my dosage. GREAT. This should be a great fucking process. Anyway, I don't know if I'll actually ever be okay. And that scares me. I used to be carefree and just go wherever life would take me. Now, it's just constant fear. Fear that I will hurt special friend more than I already have. Fear that I won't ever get to the place where I can afford a wedding. Fear that I won't get to have babies because I'm never gonna be able to move out of this studio apartment. I'm so tired of being guided by fear, but it's where I come from. It's what's been instilled in me for as long as I can remember. So now I have stomach ulcers and I clench my jaw so tight that I get migraines, but I don't know what else to do. I should just give it to God, trust what I know. But I can't let go of that fear. It's so much easier said than done.
So will any of us ever be happy? I know I'm not alone in my battles. None of us know what we're doing. I just think that the people who seem okay just know how to hide it better. They don't wear it right there on their chest like a scarlet letter like I do. This is life. We just go with it. Day in and day out. We convince ourselves that we're okay even when we're not. We're fragile when we don't want to be. And we're happy most of the time. I don't know anyone who lives in that cloud of pure, total and complete, jam a spoon down your throat, fucking happiness. Except for Heidi Klum and Seal... but I just read about them in the US weekly, so they don't count as people I know.
Anyway, stay strong little roots. I know I'm gonna do my best. And sometimes I'm gonna bitch and moan and cry and go take a trip to my dark place... but I always come out of it. At least I know that much...
Thanks for reading...
the rage and love, the story of my life...
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