It's been a weird couple of weeks. Weird is the word I'm using, because I'm not actually sure how to describe what I'm feeling. Weird works right now. As usual, I'm stuck in my mind. Feeling crappy one day and fabulous the next. When does this shit end? Like when do you start believing in yourself and believing that you've managed to create something substantial out of the crap hand you've been dealt? Because I need to start believing but I don't know where to begin. I feel like I can lift myself up and feel good about life, but there will always be something that I allow to bring me down. Well there's the problem, wow.
I need to stay on the up and up... and in the same breath I believe that life needs a balance of good and bad. But I need to learn how to let the good linger even when the bad comes around. I let the bad eat me alive so bad that it becomes my primary focus. And that's really shitty. I'm a good person, 90% of the time. I don't even know what I'm talking about so if you're not following, that's totally fine...
I'm just so tired of being a wreck. I haven't been sleeping. My back has been killing me lately. I'm just tired. So on a day like today where everything was good and then I had to be a jerk and look up my ex's profile on a dating website... sigh. Then I went ahead and actually read it. And now I'm pissed. I want to punch someone. Because everything he described, he had. With me. And I'm annoyed. Because this shit has consumed way too much of my life already. And seeing that shit, reading how he's looking for a serious loving relationship with a girl who is family oriented (me), outgoing (me) and self sufficient (me)... kinda fucking pissed me off. Like a lot.
I don't understand life. I really fucking don't. I have spent a lot of time concentrating on all the wrong things. But I can't stop. I'm like this horrible obsesser. I am wasting my life away on nonsense... but I feel like I can't stop. Like my brain can't turn off when it comes to all the wrong things. And the right things, well I just go ahead and take them for granted and potentially push them away because I have unsettled daddy issues and I instinctively create chaos around me so that people don't stick around and I can continue being the victim because I do it well. That's fucked up! But I can't help it. I can't stop. And I have to. I am just so fucking angry with this Casanova profile I read today. Because you had that you stupid asshole, and you threw me away like fucking garbage.
I just don't know anymore. What a mess. What a horrible mess. A beautiful mess. A beautiful disaster. I'm all those things. I'm not normal. I may look a little normal on the outside, but I'm a total abnormal, horrible wreck on the inside. I've made it work all these years, but I think it's catching up to me. I can't run from it anymore. It's here and I have to face it head on and change. And it may be great, it may suck. But I gotta push through the bullshit. I have to stop caring what everyone else is doing and start taking care of me. Because one of these days I'm going to implode and that's not going to be good. I don't wanna get to that point.
So for now, I'm gonna get back to work and finish watching Going the Distance. And tomorrow is going to be a new day. Clean slate. I'm going to forget about this lame-o profile and start fresh tomorrow. I can't make any promises, but I'm sure as shit gonna try...
Thanks for reading...
and what a beautiful mess this is... it's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes...
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