Always...

I'm a fly that's trapped in a web but I'm thinking that my spider's dead... lonely, lonely little life, I could kid myself by thinking that I'm fine...

I wish that my posts weren't so blah. I wish I had some great shit to tell you, but I don't. I'm crawling in my skin this week. PMS hits me hard. I'm a cranky pants. Can't get dressed like a normal human being. Walked in my house and it was covered in clothes. Had to think for a minute and remembered that I did that this morning while trying to get dressed for work. Showed up about an hour late. I just can't motivate lately. This week I know it's PMS, what will be my excuse next week?

I am so tired of this mundane, every day shit. It's so not me. I sit at my desk sometimes and go "what the fuck am I doing here?" I need more. But the truth is that my job pays the bills. And I swear to God, if one more person tells me "if it were supposed to be fun they wouldn't call it WORK" I'm going to scream. Because there are a lot of people out there who absolutely love what they do. I am not one of those people and it's getting to me.

I'm 30. I need to make some changes. But I'm so damn tired. I don't want to go back to school. I already don't have enough time in my day, now I'm going to add school and studying to the mix? Oh hell no. I will die. I love sleep. It's my thing. And to just throw caution (and money I don't have thankyouverymuch) to the wind is not something I like to do when the end result carries no guarantees. I need guarantees and unfortunately, life doesn't give them out.

I want to be a writer. That's what I want. I want to write for a living. I have 2 screenplays that need to be finished but I'm so damn afraid of failing that I let them sit on my computer and don't go near them. But when I write, I feel alive. My brain does things that it never gets to do. Writing moves me. Its something that I love doing. But how do I make a mortgage payment with writing? Everybody is a writer now. You don't even have to be good at it. So what makes me special? I need to bring something to the table and I'm so afraid that what I possess will never be enough.

That's lame and I sound like a coward, trust me, I know. It's annoying as hell. But I need to do it. I need to finish at least one of the screenplays before the summer ends. The one that I'm really focusing on is brilliant. At least I think it is. But what the hell do I know? I'm not some artsy fartsy film student. AND, I don't have six grand to become an artsy fartsy film student. I am me. That's it. That's all I've got. Some days it's enough, and some days it holds me back. But I know I need to do this. I need to push forward and get out of this rut. I've said it too many times and I just can't do this anymore. I want more. I deserve more. I can't always be the girl watching everything happen around me and never doing anything with it.

I'm going to do it. And it's going to be brilliant. I need to keep pounding that into my own head. I know that what I've created is special, I just have to make other people see it... unfortunately, that's the hard part...

Anyway, thanks for reading...

I'm the light blinking at the end of the road... blink back to let me know...

Sunday Morning...

I know who I am but who are you? you're not looking like you used to... you're on the other side of the mirror so nothing's looking quite as clear... thank you for turning on the lights... thank you now you're the parasite... I didn't think you had it in you...

There are quite a few things that bother me. I'm a pretty easy going person, but once you get on my bad side, its usually incredibly hard to get yourself off of it. I don't like being that way. I am Italian, it's in my blood to forgive but not forget. I wish I could turn that part of my brain off sometimes because I don't particularly like being like that. But on the other hand, I don't mind being cynical. I don't enjoy being bitchy, but I really don't forget anything bad. It is THE most annoying character flaw anyone can possess, and here I am possessing it.

I try and tell myself that I need to cut the shit, but some things really get under my fucking skin. Like the new Google search, for example. Why oh why did they have to change it? Every damn time I go to search for something, I type in ONE FUCKING LETTER, and Google decides that it is a fucking mind reader and gives me what I MIGHT be thinking about based on the first letter. Google is all "I can name that search in ONE LETTER" getting all Name That Tune on me. Anyway, I will forgive, but I will not forget Google. You're fucking annoying these days. Just because I type in R doesn't mean I give a fuck about Rebecca Black. GRRRR.

Obviously, I didn't sit here with my 16 ounce Coors Light to discuss my issues with Google, but I was just giving you examples, you know, because I'm cool like that. I am sitting here in my little apartment. My tiny slice of the American Dream. And I am so completely happy to be here. It's me and the cat, chilling and relaxing. Couldn't ask for anything more right now. Not too long ago I was told that I work too many hours and that I don't really LIVE my life. And I felt so completely miserable being told that. I believe I live my life. I do what I want, when I want. And for a while I actually started to believe my life was shit. That I didn't make a shitload of money and had to work like a dog and that I would never amount to anything if I kept going at that pace. But the truth is that I am happy. I am. I go through spurts of hating life, but that's just to keep the balance. You can't be happy every single second of every single day. And if you are, you're lying to yourself. You have to have a balance of emotions. That's my opinion, doesn't mean I'm right.

I just hate when people feel the need to brag about how great life is and rub it in your face if yours isn't exactly like theirs. It gets under my skin. I don't think it's a jealousy thing, but I could be wrong. I just feel that no matter what you have in this life, you should recognize where you came from. You should recognize that no matter what you possess, there are others out there who have less than you. That no matter how great everything seems, there is way more going on than the facade. I just don't like when people feel the need to brag. It really takes the beauty out of it. And so my life may be a little shitty life compared to yours, but I'm happy with it. I know who I am and where I came from. I know I have overcome more shit than some people see in one life time and I know I've only seen a fraction of what others have seen.

I hope everyone is having a great 4th of July weekend. I hope you are doing things with people you care about. I hope you are out there doing whatever makes you happy. I'm all about supporting decisions as long as it makes you happy. So I'm on your side. Just don't fuck with me. Then you have one less person on your side. And just for the record, I'm a really rad person to have on your side.

Thanks for reading...

I thought I knew you... but I've got a new view... I thought I knew you well... oh well...

Trade Mistakes...

I fill the room in this body... deserted, my organs can go on without me... you can't fly these wings... you can't sleep in this box with me... let me save you hold this rope...

This has been a heck of a week. Like seriously, a HECK of a week. Emotions have run the gamut. I have gone from high to low and back to high again. That's cool with me. Emotions mean that I still feel. That I am alive. That I am blessed even when I think the world is crumbling around me. I take the bad and I try to see the good in it. And yea, I'm gonna go ahead and give myself credit for that. Everything does happen for a reason. I will always believe that no matter what anyone says.

I am getting to the point in my life where I am seeing everything for exactly what it is. Including myself. I am crazy. I know it. I embrace it. Everybody's got a little crazy in them. It's embracing the normal crazy that provides personal victory. I am a lunatic, but I'm not like anyone else you've ever met and that makes me feel good on a really bad day. That probably sounds so lame, but my struggles have made me this person. And my struggles don't define me, but they brought me here and I'm proud I made it. And I believe that anyone who makes it through a personal struggle or a life time of struggles should be a little proud of themselves. You get to do that much.

What I don't like is being tested. I don't like when people test me and my boundaries. I don't like when people say things to see what my reaction will be. To test me is to push me away. It's when you say something and your only reason for saying it is to see what my reaction will be, then you're a jerk. I don't test people anymore. I did that shit when I was a teenager and it NEVER worked out right. I realized how stupid I was for doing that. If you want something, just say it. Don't test people. It pushes them away. It's a fact at this point in my life.

This week was a heck of a week. It made me realize that there is so much more to life than what I've been dealing with. It made me realize that no matter what, someone will always find ways to blame you for shit that happens in their lives. And it made me realize that I have some of the most wonderful people in my life and I am truly blessed. I am not saying that just to say it. It's the people in my life who make me happy that deserve my attention and emotion. It's the people who keep me in check. It's the new babies, sister date nights, friend graduating with her masters degree, awesome dress rehearsals, upcoming recitals showcasing all the hard work for the last 9 months, conversation with friends and being loved that make me realize how wonderful life can be. I can live without the drama and the unspoken words and the reasons for being mad at me that are so stupid they don't even make sense.

I am human and I make mistakes. I am far from perfect, but never EVER claim to be. And as long as I keep making mistakes and taking everything for exactly what it is, then I know I'm going to keep on keeping on. It's the only way I know how...

Thanks for reading...

I am an anchor, sinking on...

Memories...

when July became December, their affection fought the cold... but they couldn't quite remember, what inspired them to go... and it was beautifully depressing like a street car named Desire... they were fighting for their love, it started growing tired...

Life is kicking my ass these days. I don't like admitting that. But it seems something's gotten the best of me and I have no idea what it is. It's frustrating beyond belief. I'm struggling. Every single day, I have to dig deep into my guts to find my smile. Memories of my past flood my brain. They won't stop. All the what ifs and the what could be's are killing me. They are draining every single ounce of strength out of me. I am losing my patience. I am losing my ability to keep my head up. Everything feels so incredibly heavy and I'm tired.

I don't know what to do. I really don't. I know that my job doesn't make me happy, but I'm not one to quit and take my chances. I have a mortgage, it's not realistic. My relationship is probably failing since I have the ability to ruin the best things in my life. The black cloud that follows me eventually takes its toll and it starts to spread out on the men I manage to suck into this vortex of hell that is me. I manage to magically change the happiest into the most miserable. Jesus Christ. I really don't wanna be that fucking girl.

I just ruin everything. I really do. I don't have the mental capacity to deal with everyday mundane bullshit. The Pisces in me is scared to death of the same fucking thing every damn day. I am so completely scared. I am cynical. I am wary of people. I don't trust people any more. I believe that everyone has an agenda. And I am not willing to give up who I am for someone who can't do the same for me. I am just scared. I don't want to be nagged. I don't want to be told what to do. I don't want advice. I don't even wanna fucking talk anymore. I just want quiet. I don't wanna be told how horrible I am because I don't wanna have sex. I don't wanna be told I need to work faster because there was a supposed meeting that I wasn't involved in that pushed my deadlines to fucking yesterday. I just want quiet. I don't even know who the hell I am anymore. I really don't. I'm tired. I'm a liar and a bitch. I am all of those bad things and I don't deserve to be happy. I am a black widow spider. I just can't deal with anything anymore.

I just want everything to stop for two seconds so I can catch my breath. Everything is so NOW NOW RIGHT FUCKING NOW and it's frustrating. I was never the girl that couldn't catch up and now I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of nonsense. What am I fighting for? Why am I so angry? I don't know. I am just tired. Tired of having to prove myself when I know I'm better than that. It's exhausting. And I'm exhausted. I just wanna be happy. And I'm so afraid that I will never get there. I'm so afraid that I'm gonna push everyone away. I'm just all over the place today and I just need a few seconds to get my bearings. And at this moment in time I feel like I'm asking for too much. That my requests are going to wear the people I love down. That I'm going to inadvertently end up hurting someone while trying to slow the madness down. And so I sit here and write this out because it's been eating me alive all day. I can't stop this defective carousel from spinning and it's frustrating.

Hopefully tomorrow will be an upper, today was a downer and a half...

oh Memories,where'd you go? you were all I've ever known... how I miss yesterday... how'd I let it fade away? don't fade away...

Thanks for reading...

I and Love and You...

When at first I learned to speak I used all my words to fight... With him and her and you and me, but it's just a waste of time... Yea it's such a waste of time...

I am a fighter, not a lover. I spend my time fighting for what I need and what. I fight for the ones I love. I fight with myself on a daily basis trying so hard to understand what I need and want. Everyday is a struggle because I have no clue...

When I think about all the time that was wasted on pointless bullshit, I feel like an asshole and I push the rest of the world away as I try to bring myself back to feeling ok. I am agitated today, wasting a lot of my awake time thinking about what a bitch I am and how I am horrible and deserve nothing. When I feel like everything is alright and I haven't done anything wrong, it is then that I realize that I have unconsciously hurt someone somehow, and that annoys the shit outta me.

And so today is gonna be one of those days where I smile on the outside but my heart is in agony. Wondering how I manage to fuck up even when I think I'm good. And it's going to be one of those days where I keep to myself because the fight in my head is taking over my whole body and I can't spend the day crying at my desk.

The fighter in me has pushed people away because I was stubborn and couldn't hurt my pride. But I'm wondering now if the fight was worth it. Because I am the one agonizing over this, and its eating me alive. The need to prove how strong I am has made me weak. Today is a day where I feel the agony of defeat. Where everything in my head doesn't make sense. And I miss him more than I knew I could and I wish I didn't. And I wonder if he misses me too. And it's going to be a day where I know I could have been happy but I was too proud to let someone get the best of me.

So that's all for now...

Thanks for reading...

Three words that became hard to say...I and Love and You...

Don't You Remember...

I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness and a wandering eye and a heaviness in my head... But don't you remember the reason you loved me before...

Ah, ya gotta love the curveballs in life... That's what I keep telling myself. That's what I tell myself to try to get back to a normal state of mind... Whatever the fuck that is... What's great about curveballs is that they always hit me square in the guts... Like, really fucking hard.

I have been good for a while. But as usual that feeling never stays. There is ALWAYS another shoe ready to drop. You would think I wouldn't be so surprised anymore, but I guess my head is so jam packed with bullshit that I don't have the brain capacity to remember the last time I felt another emotion besides completely fucking exhausted. And then we factor in social networking sites and bam! It's a perfect curveball coming at me. Curveballs into the guts or shoes dropping, whatever metaphor works better for you...Yes ladies and gents, a picture of the ex managed to knock me over.

My issue here is that I harbor these feelings for him and I'm not even sure if they are good or bad anymore. I see his smile and I miss him but at the same time I get so upset that he's happy. I get angry that his life is normal and not total and complete fucking chaos like mine. That if I had just kept my mouth shut about marriage at 25 we would have worked out. And I know that I am craving clarity and that's why its easy to say that everything would have been great if we had just worked it out 4 years ago... I want to see him and tell him I'm sorry and that I was a stupid girl and I'm different now... But that's not true. I'm the same strong willed me, just a few years older and less willing to change who I am...

Now I am all over the place with emotions. Feeling the cravings for nesting and being a mom and the fairytale and all that bullshit. And I want the life I dreamt of. I want it and it's shattered and I have been trying to put the pieces back together ever since. It's just so incredibly sad to me that I have a good life with so much to be grateful for and I waste my time wondering what "could have been"...

Just had to push this out of the pile of mush formerly known as my brain. Life is good, but I have to live in right now, not then...

Thanks for reading...

I often think about where I went wrong... The more I do, the less I know...

Ill With Want...

temporary is my time... ain't nothin on this world that's mine... except the will I found to carry on... free is not your right to choose... it's answering what's asked of you... to give the love you find until it's gone...

This has been a rough couple of months. I turned Dirty 30, totally fucking awesome. Really, I had the best night of my whole life. It was rad and I'm so happy. I drank out of a huge goblet, was tricked into doing shots of whiskey and I didn't puke, pass out or cry. Epic fucking win. But back here in reality, I am having a hard time. Not that I can't deal, it's just that reality is annoying the shit out of me lately. Like, I really wanna scream at people.

I had surgery last week on my deviated septum. Best shit ever. It's annoying now because it's healing inside and itchy, but I can breathe and that's a HUGE bonus. I was scared to death to do it and it was for no reason, I feel awesome health-wise. Haven't smoked since right before surgery, feeling good in the lung department as well. What I'm having a problem with is humanity in general. The need for instant gratification is so fucking aggravating that I feel like I'm losing my mind. I am one person. I'm not trying to play martyr here, but really, I am one, very small person in this great big world. And to expect shit from me and give a nasty response when I don't deliver instantly only pisses me off and makes me shut down. It makes me not want to do things for people. It makes me not want to talk to you. It makes me want to throw the phone across the room.

I'm over worked in every aspect of my life and it's frustrating. Especially when I'm trying to get to good. I'm tired of being asked what I want in my future. I don't know. I can't predict shit. I was just gonna ride this life thing out and see where it takes me. And I hate when people say that I control my destiny and that I can't just sit back and let life guide me. I used to say that too, and I could smack myself for saying it. That's such a fucking new wavey thing to say... you control your destiny... seize the day! I trust what I trust and believe with my whole heart that everything in this life happens for a reason. You read the signs and get to the next phase. But since everyone wants an answer RIGHT FUCKING NOW, it's a little difficult to explain my theory of seeing where life is gonna take me next.

Anyway, I'm ok for once. I'm not anxious, haven't had a migraine in a week, been sleeping well, haven't smoked, once my nose heals I'm going to start running every day. So far so good. I'm just tired of the questions that I don't have answers to right now. And I'm tired of the bullshit attitudes that follow when I don't have an answer. I am human and I'm still trying to put myself together. Just pump the brakes a bit. I don't know, maybe I sound like a fucking bitch, but I need me to be ok. I have to live with me for the rest of my life, and I just need me to be ok...

Thanks for reading...

ill with want and poisoned by this ugly greed...